Godzilla was originally about a Japanese guy in a rubber monster suit wrecking cities and fighting big moths. *Record-Scratch* But it's the 90's! And the 90's require a dope new attitude, and This ain't your daddy's Godzilla, and Parents 'll never understand it, and We just do, and Special effects and rap covers of Led Zeppelin songs are fine, but what kids really want is a cohesive plot and likable characters...NOT! *High Five* Put on your clashing, unbuttoned (or incorrectly buttoned) over-shirt, swivel that cap around and pull a tuft of your greasy blond hair through the hole, strap on your RatchTech Shoes and get ready to raise the roof because this fly flick is totally money!
Whenever a mad scientist creates an army of gigantic metal geese led by a woman in an absurd leather shower cap, the World of Tomorrow® can always count on Sky Captain to save the day...of TOMORROW~! Jude Law makes several of the dumbest faces ever and Gweneth Paltrow is at her smirkiest in this shamelessly asinine CGI-fest.
The year is allegedly 1888. The Vatican's army of Buddhists, Muslims, and toddling friars with hat hair work tirelessly to arm the great monster hunter Wolverine with the most ridiculous and inane weapons known to man, so that he might fail to hit large targets with the utmost speed and accuracy, picking up baronesses in tight corsets along the way. You'll gasp as Dracula chews more scenery than you could fit in Wyoming. You'll scream as the Frankenstein Monster relays life lessons about tolerance and acceptance. You'll yawn and scratch you unmentionables as Kate Beckinsale expands her acting repertoire to include vampire *hunters* (she wouldn't want to be pigeonholed). And you'll snack as the movie becomes tedious and you wander into the kitchen for a sandwich. But never fear! QuipTracks makes this otherwise painful sack of crap into a sack of something awesome...like bacon or something.
M. Night Shyamalan drives the final nail in the coffin of his reputation for surprise endings by telling a tale with all the twists and turns of a pretzel... not the twisty kind, but the straight kind that doesn't have any twists. The trees and plants of the Northeast US, no doubt still angry over Al Gore's defeat in 2000, have begun intermittently emitting a gas that causes humans to want to kill themselves. (Hey, can you blame them? I mean, even humans have been known to do that from time to time, right?) Anyway, it's up to She (of She and Him) and Marky Mark (minus Hector the booty inspector) to protect a child-sized dress mannequin and get it to the place where the event is not happening. Can these two adults, who are not only in touch with their inner children but have them writing all their dialog, stay a step ahead of flatulent shrubbery and skydiving construction workers all the while pulling their relationship through the toughest crisis it has ever faced? Or, more importantly, can you make it through the movie without trying to drown yourself in your soda or gouge out your eyes with Twizzlers? Fear not. QuipTracks is here to help you through this difficult, uh, phenomenon? Occurrence? Seems like there is some other word I'm looking for here. Oh well.
After Neelix, holo-lungs. a hall of mirrors, and space clouds, Star Trek: Voyager finally decides to shape up and get serious when the crew discovers a wormhole that leads to the Alpha Quadrant.That's the good quadrant. Unable to fit through the wormhole, the crew instead tries to use it to send a message to a Romulan ship that, for some reason, is loitering around the other side. This is their chance to get messages to StarFleet and let everybody that they hope is worried about them know what's going on. BUT WAIT! Could they also beam to the other ship through the wormhole?! They've just GOTTA! Yes, after six long episodes, the Voyager crew is finally going to make it home! NO DOUBT ABOUT IT!
Chinese action director John Woo (no doubt cheered on by his own last name) takes on the world of Mission: Impossible with all the great performances of Broken Arrow and all the plausibility of Face/Off (not to mention face removal and off-putting faces...but I digress). The Chimera virus is the most deadly and least contagious virus created by man and it must be stopped by the most acrobatic and least intelligent agent known to man: Ethan Hunt. To succeed he must overcome tedious symbolism, slow-motion photography, flocks of pigeons, and the constant failures and arbitrary limitations of his grudgingly-written-in team of IMF experts. There's also some crap about a smirking china doll and a fist fight at a motocross event. Good thing QuipTracks is here, or this one would sting like pulling a latex mask off your face in one fluid yank*. Bonus! Learn the secret of how to search for a hero. (Are you paying attention, Bonnie Tyler?) *Historical side note: Curiously, during the American Civil War a fluid Yank was a Confederate unit of measure reserved exclusively for measuring donkey urine. Let it never be said that QuipTracks is not educational.
You would think that a movie about sending nuclear bombs to the core of the earth in a giant cigar would be little more than two hours of people looking at readouts and calling out numbers. Well you're right, but facts have never held Hollywood back yet, and they didn't start with this turkey! Sure, there's enough calling out of numbers to put a lotto junky into a coma, but there are also dive-bombing pigeons and sentient lightning intent on detonating world icons! Plus, it turns out that the inside of the earth is not dark at all. It actually looks like bulimic angels binged all night on orange Crush, tinsel, and glow sticks then purged! In fact, it's surprising that more people are not blinded when they try to dig a hole. Throw in the illegitimate son of Lady Elaine Fairchilde as a computer hacker and what's not to love? That's right, everything. Never fear, even when Hollywood takes a bevy of great talent and literally throws them in a hole, we are there to turn it into a fun evening. So go ahead, pop in that copy of The Core that you accidentally bought thinking that it was The Score, start up this QuipTrack and laugh your way to the center of the earth and back.
Hulk angry. Hulk confused. Hulk want see movie of Hulk, but why so many small pictures? Pictures fly at Hulk like birds. Which one movie? Where is Hulk? Why we watch puny boring humans? What wrong with Jennifer Connely? She in coma? Hulk tired of rocks and moss. Why Ang Lee show Hulk dead wood? Hulk breath smell like dead wood and moss? Ang give Hulk hint? Where!? Is!? Hulk!? Movie say Hulk, Hulk not see Hulk! Oh, there Hulk. Why Hulk in dark? Only show Hulk in dark? Why dogs not red inside? Hulk like red filling, not green smoke! Good. Now Hulk in light. Hulk know now why Hulk in dark. Put dark back on Hulk. Hulk ears not that small. Hulk face not beady-eyed ferret. Hulk not rubber balloon! Hulk angry! Hulk smash! Why movie not smash? Movie not real? But pain real! Pain real! Quiptrack? Hulk play Quiptrak with movie and make movie better? Puny human right. Hulk laugh now. Hulk not smash.
What if everybody had just finally managed to forget your smarmy son after he died fourteen months ago? Would you bring him up again? Would you really be “that guy”? You would, wouldn’t you. You’re like the person that brings up the Spice Girls just when everybody starts to feel good about music again. Listen, your kid Sam was such a crappy jackass that ALIENS made the long journey to Earth just to erase our memories of him running shirtless around the neighborhood. Now please shut up about him. Get a hobby. You could rejoin the country club now that they don’t remember Sam peeing in the pool. You can have a life again, lady! For Pete’s sake, don’t you know a good thing when you see it?
The setting is a bleak future-fifties where there is no robot Fonzie (or even a roomba Potsie) and dress codes require at least a three piece suit for all activites from mowing the lawn to space travel. In this frightening dystopia the one secret to success is in your jeans, er, that should be genes. I must have been thinking of Pornattaca. So any way, this one guy borrows a ladder and apparently forgets to return it, so he has to swim laps with his brother and work at Gattaca, the most prestigious pun-based space-travel organisation the retro-future has to offer, with Quinton McHale. On top of that Mr. Monk makes him wear erector sets on his legs until he can't pee on his own and he has to hire a guy to do it for him. It all leads to this exciting scene where...wait, Pornattaca again. Gattaca just leads up to more swimming. Except that the professional pee man, who's like a cross between Sky Captain and a bicycle, ends up on the wrong end of the George Foreman grill of the future--but that's not as exciting as it sounds. Ok, honestly, we can't really say this one is a turkey. But the pacing is slower than traffic in a Furr's cafeteria parking lot, so we decided to take a shot at it. There is no denying, at any rate, that it's a heck of a lot funnier with a QuipTrack. So download it now!
Goku is a [-wild jungle boy-] teenager with [-inhuman strength and an insatiable hunger-] a grandpa. He lives [-alone-] in shame, fending for himself against [-countless dinosaurs and other man-eating creatures-] bullies. The [-naïve, monkey-tailed-] jacketed fighter’s life [-changes-] continues when he meets Bulma, a girl who is on a [-quest-] quick errand to collect seven “Dragon Balls,” one of which just happens to be Goku’s most [-prized-] round possession. With all seven Dragon Balls, Bulma hopes to [-summon the powerful dragon Shen Long and have her one wish granted-] be famous. But the precious orbs are scattered all over the [-world-] immediate area, and Bulma needs Goku’s help! With a [-magic staff for a weapon-] shirt and a [-flying cloud for a ride-] pair of pants, Goku sets out on the [-adventure-] sequence of events of [-a lifetime-] about an hour and twenty minutes…
After escaping a secret mountaintop Rogaine testing facility, Aang (some kid) encases himself in a large underwater ice sphere for one hundred years, successfully shutting up David Blaine once and for all. After being freed by Sokka (the guy that's Jasper in Twilight), a wannabe tiger seal poacher; and Katara (a fan of Jasper in Twilight), his narrator, Aang is discovered to be the missing Avatar, a person that is destined to be onscreen for most of the time. But the evil Prince Zuko has made it his goal to capture the Avatar, although it's not made clear why. After Zuko kidnaps Aang from the Water Nation elderly farm, Sokka and Katara discover that their destiny is to provide exposition to the audience through stilted conversations with various old people. Once reuinited with Aang, the three of them set out to learn and spread the spiritual ways of Shyamalanism, thus fixing the world. NOTE: The Last Airbender should not be confused with the animated series of the same name. Any similarities between the two are strictly coincidental.
In the first years of the 21st century, solely in response to "I've Got a Feelin'" by the Black Eyed Peas, feelings of any kind were prohibited by law. Now the people of Libria have nothing to do besides concoct ridiculous new martial arts, the apex of these efforts being "Gunkata", which is exactly like gunfighting but while surrounded and standing completly still. It is with this infallible fighting style that Third Concillery Tetragrammaton Cleric John Preston (Batman) hopes to irradicate the rebelious parasites stirring up unwanted feelings in the Nethers of Libria. But he also came up with a cool new way to hold a sword so he uses that too sometimes. Everything changes for Preston when he misses his twice-daily dose of Prozium 2 (the sniffling, feeling, crying, laughing, fury, least angry you ever got at a dictator medicine). Free of the drugs suppressing his emotions, Preston discovers the simple joy of handrails, the prettiness of a rainbow, and the cuddly-wuddlyness of puppies. But he's still super bad ass.
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. He also made aliens at this point but totally forgot to use them. But that's all about to change, because visionary blowhard M Night Shyamalan, in associaton with the LORD, has crafted a brilliant plan so convoluted and complicated that it's just GOTTA be profound. Graham Hess, an ex-priest, never forgave God for taking his wife from him. Having hung up his clerical collar for good, Graham, who is known to burn meat and is constantly suspicious of the possibly fictitious Wolfington Brothers, now lives with his son Morgan, a paranoid asthmatic; his daughter Bo, who leaves water glasses around the house half-full (or half-empty, if you're the pessimistic type); and his brother Merrill, who swings bats at stuff. These are the characteristics that M Night pulled out of his trait jar for this movie, and it's these characteristics that Graham and his family will need to clunkily utilize in order to survive Thursday's big alien invasion. And if THAT won't bring back Graham's faith, God's out of ideas.
A QuipTrack 65 million years in the making, or at least it seemed that way to us. It really only took us five. It's Jurassic Park: the Fifth Anniversary, Final, Ultimate, Third-Time's-the-Charm, Absolutely-the-Very-Last-One Edition! Don'cha just hate technology? When it's not burning your toast or pocket-dialing your ex, it's re-animating dinosaurs at the whims of an eccentric old entrepreneur. I can't wait for somebody to invent the time machine so I can go back and punch the inventor of technology in the gonads. Anyway, it's because of the afore-mentioned entrepreneur that noted bone-brusher-offer Allan Grant finds himself on Isla Nublar participating in a test run of Jurassic Park: a magical place filled with living breathing dinosaurs that children of all ages will never forget--even after years of therapy. Along for the trip is his acquaintance and girlfriend Ellie Sattler, who apparently never says no to a couple of bottles of wine; the startlingly bizarre Ian Malcolm, who wouldn't even take a lungful of oxygen without first checking with Mother Nature; a little boy who loathes Grant's book almost as much as everybody loathes him; a wannabe computer hacker; and a lawyer whose life is cut almost as short as his leg wear. Well, the most ridiculous and crappy plans of carnivores and men often go awry, and when somebody neglects to hold onto their butt, Grant and Co. are put in jeopardy, not only from gargantuan lizards but also from the movie's crew itself! Continuity and location shift relentlessly as our heroes struggle to survive from one inconsistent shot to the next! Will they foil Spielberg and survive to collect their paychecks? It doesn't really matter what happens because with our QuipTrack you'll be ROFLing through the whole movie like a parasalolophus!
Released shortly before Dragonball Evolution, Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li was part one of an insidious, cross-studio plot to systematically destroy strategically chosen beloved franchises and, by extension, an entire subculture of nerds. Luckily, Roland Emmerick's Legend of Zelda movie was canned and the plan crumbled in it's final phase, leaving the evil masterminds responsibile to go into hiding, pouring all their remaining funds into the Cowboy Bebop live action movie with Keanu Reeves. The world was left with two shameful blights forever scarring its unalterable history. Most tried to ignore Dragonball and Chun Li or turned to powerful drugs for even the most fleeting feeling of blissful ignorance. We at QuipTracks, however, cannot turn a blind eye to such cinematic injustice. We have taken these horrific devices of torture and made them into something we can all feel good about. Like E. Honda with a turbo switch, "Street Fighter" slaps you with an unending barrage of inept directoral decisions and inconceivably insipid performances. Crime lord M. Bison, head of feared organization "Shadalao" (the director's inspired take on Shadaloo), threatens to clean up the slums of Bangkok and build nice homes there. He also loves his daughter and would like to see her again. But all her life, Chun Li blamed Bison for her gradual change from a little Chinese girl into a Canadian, and she's not about to just sit back while he buys a majority share of the slums.
We've all heard Satan's pitch at least once in our lives. The offer's always a little different, but the price (you would find if you didn't slam the door in his face) is always the same: your soul. Sometimes it's a dependable new set of encyclopedias. Sometimes it's a "free" gift card. "Would you like to supersize your order for just a soul more?" According to a recent survey of 20,000 residents of Hell, these deals have accounted for less than .2 percent of Hell's incoming tenants. You might actually want to consider taking the deal, however, when you hear about a common side effect: Becoming a badass flaming skeleton with the power to kill demons effortlessly. Johnny Blaze discovers this 20-some years after wasting his deal trying to save his klutzy father from cancer—who immediately kills himself in a freak, 'Leap of Death' accident. Unfortunately, Johnny's super cool affliction manifests itself after he becomes Nicholas Cage, so instead of becoming the chick-magnet you would expect, he's stuck pining after his old flame, Roxie (played by porn actress Eva Mendez...wait, what? She's not in porn? She's been in other, real, shown-in-theaters movies? That can't be right...) Anyway. The devil overreacts when his son, Blackheart, comes out of the closet, and Mephisopheles hires Johnny to kick his candy ass. This is not something we'd normally condone reveling in, but Blackheart is also pure evil and trying to destroy the world or something, so it's okay to enjoy seeing his powdered face get punched from here to drama club.
We've all heard Satan's pitch at least once in our lives. The offer's always a little different, but the price (you would find if you didn't slam the door in his face) is always the same: your soul. Sometimes it's a dependable new set of encyclopedias. Sometimes it's a "free" gift card. "Would you like to supersize your order for just a soul more?" According to a recent survey of 20,000 residents of Hell, these deals have accounted for less than .2 percent of Hell's incoming tenants. You might actually want to consider taking the deal, however, when you hear about a common side effect: Becoming a badass flaming skeleton with the power to kill demons effortlessly. Johnny Blaze discovers this 20-some years after wasting his deal trying to save his klutzy father from cancer—who immediately kills himself in a freak, 'Leap of Death' accident. Unfortunately, Johnny's super cool affliction manifests itself after he becomes Nicholas Cage, so instead of becoming the chick-magnet you would expect, he's stuck pining after his old flame, Roxie (played by porn actress Eva Mendez...wait, what? She's not in porn? She's been in other, real, shown-in-theaters movies? That can't be right...) Anyway. The devil overreacts when his son, Blackheart, comes out of the closet, and Mephisopheles hires Johnny to kick his candy ass. This is not something I'd normally condone reveling in, but Blackheart is also pure evil and trying to destroy the world or something, so it's okay to enjoy seeing his powdered face get punched from here to drama club.
Nathan (Taylor Lautner) has always felt like a freak. His neck, an exessive protrusion for a human's, has made him self-concious in his teen years. He's been told he's the Chosen Alpaca reborn, put on Earth to defeat the Invincible Yak upon its return from other-realmly banishment, but that kind of thing's not likely to impress his crush, Karen. She's got the kind of big, buxom eyebrows that Nathan can't resist, and he'd trade his legendary link to the spirit of the Great Alpaca to be able to say "hey" to a girl that wooly. Destiny cares not for Nathan's dreams of mediocrity, however, and he is shaken out of his denial by an undeniably cropped-weird photo of him that he finds in the family archives. A photo cropped that weird can only mean his parents are shams, and the daily smackdowns he gets from his "father" suddenly don't seem like fun bonding moments anymore. His "mother" is also about Nathan's age and pretty hot, and he'd like to expose them as imposters as soon as possible so he can start hitting that right away. But before he can hardly feel her up at all, both fake parents are murdered by the minions of one Nikola Kozslow (codename: The Invincible Yakov) and Nathan soon finds himself freakishly-long-neck-deep in a twisted conspiracy that could go ALL THE WAY TO A GUY! Thankfully, nobody's abducted, but it's still pretty intense.
They say that we only use 20% of our brains. That being the case, butt-chinned Michael Jennings reasons, it should be fine to let an excitable leprechaun blast at least 80% of one's brain with lasers. And so this is how our hero makes his fortune. By reverse engineering pointless new technologies for rival companies and subsequently allowing Paul Giamatti (that weird guy that always manages to convince you that you don't hate his performance for some reason) to practice his Star Fox skillz on incriminating memory cells, Jennings essentially trades his memory of his dubious business practices for a... PAYCHECK! He's paid in the form of PAYCHECKS, you see.
Forget everything you know about witches! If you thought they were all old, hook-nosed, wart-covered hags, then boy are you gonna come out looking dumb after The Covenant blows the lid off witchcraft! First off, all witches are dudes—white, douchey, juvenile guys with six-pack abs. Pointy hats are definitely out, and cauldrons? Really? Did you really bring up cauldrons in a serious conversation about witches? Oh kay. You reeeally need to watch this movie to try and sweep the cobwebs of ignorance out of your bigot skull. ...What? Did you just ask me if they were too busy flying around on their brooms to do much sweeping? Oh. MY god. Witches fly huge SUVs and drive BMWs. Duh. Okay, they DO have spells, but it’s not sissy “magic,” it’s The Power. Witches are basically the most powerful dudes you could meet because they’ll just look at you, and the next thing you know, you’re hurling chunks on your best friend. Or you’ve got a spider in your ear. Or they’ll just throw a bubble at you. I’m not explaining it right, but it’s super bad ass. What? “What HAPPENS in the movie?” Oh. Uh… Well they’re basically just hanging out, being cool and sexy; getting into scraps and…swimming freestyle… There’s a dance number… Um… Features Tristan, Tracy, and Tegan
“The World of Tomorrow will be filled with wondrous things,” a dapper 50’s man tells us from the dimly lit corner he presumably calls his home. As a denizen of the World of Tomorrow, which is now known commonly as the World of Today, I think I can honestly type onto this virtual page accessible from anywhere via an interactive electronic device that fits into your pocket that this statement is pure garbage. Contrary to the gripping predictions and scenarios acted out by the Tales of Tomorrow writing staff’s extended family, we don’t have cool things like furious space cocoons or invisible, blood-sucking monsters. The problems we actually face, like phones that bend, are far more mundane and much costlier to produce, plus sexism and racism are on their way OUT, not thriving like the greatest minds of the 50’s so optimistically assumed. No, the World of Today simply pales in comparison to the World of Tomorrow of the World of Yesterday, but at least it beats the World of Tomorrow of Sky Captain. Make your World of This Evening a whole lot funnier by buying the riff that marks the end of QuipTracks' unofficial, year-long hiatus; grabbing a friend; and finding out just how furious a protective case of silk or similar fibrous material spun by the larvae of moths and other insects can be!
Kate and Leopold's massive dump on the concept of time travel was a pretty good start, but The Lake House perfected the art. With an omniscient terrier as cosmic referee, Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock, separated by two years, engage in a by-mail contest to see who can use their time-traveling mailbox least creatively and do the least good with their incredible discovery in this paradox-riddled puke stain on the fabric of time and space. Soon, the downright naughtiness of using such a scandalously obsolete mode of communication sets both of their hearts afire, and they decide that, continuum be damned, they're gonna find a way to be together! Amidst all the USPS-paced romance and action, will the two of them unlock the secret of the lake house and its incredible time-travelling mailbox?
At long last, the riffing project spearheaded by Ice On Mars to riff Star Trek: Voyager reaches season 2. Disc 1 of the season is a crossover between Ice on Mars and QuipTracks, with each episode featuring Michael T. Bradley and a different QuipTracks member. The 37s is a story about a different sort of crossover: Uninspired science fiction meets American history! When the crew of Voyager finds an antique truck floating in space, it leads them to visit the Delta Quadrant's most advanced Earth museum. Janeway is especially impressed with their vintage Amelia Earhart (NON-CLONE ORIGINAL ORGANIC COMPONENTS RARE MINT). Naturally, she can't resist waking her up, but hijinks ensue when the curators find out.
With Pakra seemingly becoming more and more commercial each year, it can be hard to see through all the glitz and glamour to the core of it all. This Pakra season, take an hour to remind yourself and the whole family what the holiday is really all about with the immortal Pakra classic, Initiations. While Pakra carolling in his shuttle, Commander Chakotay tries to make a new friend in a young Kazon named Kar. After several lasers to the face, however, Chakotay can see that this child would rather spend his time killing his enemies than summon ancient spirits. The Kazon are strong and powerful, but they don't know much about Pakra, now do they? Can Chakotay teach him the true meaning of Pakra before Delta Quadrant runs out of Pakra spirit and Pakra is cancelled FOREVER?
Anywhere – provided it's one of five budgeted locales – is possible. That's the staggering reality for chronic douche canoe David "Rice Bowl" Rice (the second worst Anikan) and all "jumpers" like him. For millennia, they've lived among us, teleporting from point A to B, acting like C's and D's. Using this power, David robs banks and ruins lives all across the globe. However, only so much filming can go on before Samuel L Jackson shoves his way into the story, and soon David find himself staring down the tooting end of an electric-steel-cable-shooting clarinet! As it turns out, "paladins" have been hunting jumpers since medieval times. They have more success now with their clarinets than they did with their spears (which they presumably just waved around in hopes of a jumper appearing around the sharp end), but fortunately for David, they mistakenly think the movie is rated PG, and won't use guns. Can he, a guy who can literally teleport anywhere in the world, escape a guy in a rental car? Will David's love interest Millie interest anybody? And most importantly, can David convince the audience that Sam Jackson is the villain, even though it's clearly David? The answers to these questions will be cheaply, artlessly, and incompetently answered in Doug Limon's career's suicide note, Jumper!
When you’re a hologram in a hologram in a hologram having a holo-dream, it can be hard to tell what’s really virtually real. In this episode of Voyager, the ship’s holographic medical program boots up only to discover that things have happened, only to discover they haven’t. A Kazon is on a rampage, but he’s not. A guy shows up, but he doesn’t. Tough decisions have to be made, but they don’t. Nothing is at stake and it didn’t even happen, but at least it didn’t even happen to sort of an interesting character.
At 10:02 AM on August 27th, 1883, Krakatoa exploded. The result was the loudest sound ever recorded by human beings. It is said to have circled the Earth four times. The second loudest sound occurred in the evening of September 18th, 1995, when Voyager posed the question, “should Kes and Neelix have a baby together?” and 5.7 million households simultaneously bellowed “NO!” at their televisions. Now you can relive history! Bellow along at home with QuipTracks and Ice on Mars as they take on "Elogium." Plus, learn all about Astro-Sperm and why they like humping space ships so darn much!
Travel back to a time when wenches were simple, ones were dark, and kings greeted you with a smile. When Granger (Dolph Lundgren, OMG yes!) hurt his shoulder in Non-Specific Conflict II, he swore he was done with conflicts for good, no matter how specific. But when his house is swarmed by flailing ninjas, he’s forced through a mystical portal and finds himself lumbering for his life in medieval Canada! Soon he’s mumbling anachronisms to Smiley King (the king what things are in the name of), who seems like a good enough guy, but something’s not right. How does the king keep his teeth so white? Why are all the women slathered in makeup? Granger will need all three synapses firing to get to the bottom of these mysteries and more in Uwe Boll’s direct-to-the-two-dollar-bin epic, In the Name of the King 2: Two Worlds!
Rob Lowe lets his acting muscles atrophy as the guy that was "not really in the Christmas mood" who helps a young boy buy a pair of shoes for his dying mother. Why wasn't he in that mood, though? And how sad, exactly, is a dying mother? The answers to these questions were glaringly omitted from the song, and the movie addresses the issue by devoting an hour and a half to establishing this crucial context. CBS's The Christmas Shoes delivers more schmaltz, empties more tissue boxes, and kills more characters than the song's format ever allowed. And if it's the case that the more sadness something elicits, the more meaningful and heartwarming it is, The Christmas Shoes is more meaningful and heartwarming than a stillborn bunny rabbit.
Can't get enough Smiley King? Neither could we! We had so much great material left over from our first run that we riffed In the Name of the King 2: Two Worlds a SECOND TIME. It's In the Name of the King 2: Two Worlds 2: Two Riffs! Written to be watched as a follow-up to the first riff, this QuipTrack contains entirely new jokes for the whole running time of the movie. Join us as we get a little more creative and experimental in our second run through the magical land of medieval Canada!
There are two kinds of movies. There are entertainers and there are challengers. Considering the way it completely breaks apart 73 seconds in and goes on to be regarded as one the most shameful and preventable disasters ever recorded, Uwe Boll's Alone in the Dark is decidedly a Challenger. Indeed, the film challenges both its audience and the culture surrounding it. Particularly bold are its alien monsters, which Uwe has unapologetically dubbed "Xenos", daring you to compare them to the more well-known and highly regarded Xerox subsidiary, Zeno Office Solutions. Bolder still is the casting of vapid space case Tara Reid as an ostensibly competent archaeologist, sending the uplifting message that dumb girls can be smart too. But perhaps the most challenging aspect of the film is the way Uwe expands and evolves the frankly played-out "unreliable narrator" convention to also include an unreliable prop department, unreliable captioning, and a bevy of unreliable lighting rigs. What is the plot? Uwe won't tell you, and by doing so, he cheekily holds up a mirror to you, the sole viewer in the empty theater, to reveal that it is YOU who is alone and in the dark.
In The Perfect Weapon, Steven Seagal is The Director – not to be confused with the director of The Perfect Weapon, Titus Parr, who thought we would not be confused when a character under The Director’s control called The Controller directs the perfect weapon to kill The Director. (Watch out: There’s a spoiler in that sentence, so don’t work too hard trying to parse it). This aforementioned perfect weapon is a stoic, bald, tie-wearing, dual-silenced-pistol-wielding hitman – just like Agent 47 from the Hitman video game franchise, but even easier to control (he really puts the "pawn" in "weapon"). Oh, and don’t go looking for a barcode on Axon “Condor” Rey’s neck; Unlike Agent 47, this agent can’t be price checked... Nor is he particularly good at hitting men. Indeed, everyone seems readily capable of making Condor look like an imbecile, from his dead girlfriend (Sasha Jackson), to a villainous gourd from Veggie Tales that grew a big, flabby body (Steven Seagal). Even within the movie, exactly which “perfect weapon” criteria could be abstractly attributed to him is a matter of some debate... but everyone agrees that, after multiple scrubbings of his already sparsely populated mind, he is The Perfect Putz.
