Van Helsing

The year is allegedly 1888. The Vatican's army of Buddhists, Muslims, and toddling friars with hat hair work tirelessly to arm the great monster hunter Wolverine with the most ridiculous and inane weapons known to man, so that he might fail to hit large targets with the utmost speed and accuracy, picking up baronesses in tight corsets along the way. You'll gasp as Dracula chews more scenery than you could fit in Wyoming. You'll scream as the Frankenstein Monster relays life lessons about tolerance and acceptance. You'll yawn and scratch you unmentionables as Kate Beckinsale expands her acting repertoire to include vampire *hunters* (she wouldn't want to be pigeonholed). And you'll snack as the movie becomes tedious and you wander into the kitchen for a sandwich. But never fear! QuipTracks makes this otherwise painful sack of crap into a sack of something awesome...like bacon or something.