While other media outlets bring you news as it happens, only the Onion News Network has the power to bring you the news before it happens. With our state-of-the-art wormhole satellites, we can now transmit Onion News Network broadcasts from the year 2137. More than 125 years into the future, the Onion News Network remains the world’s most powerful media empire, dispensing the finest news, commentary, and swooshy graphics 24 hours a day directly into the right eye of every viewer through technology called ‘EyeStreaming.’ These broadcasts depict a much-changed planet. A catastrophe known only as “the Burndown” has reduced the world to a lawless wasteland—food and water are scarce, social institutions have crumbled, and a screaming, tattooed thug has been installed as the president of what remains of the United States. In robot-controlled CalifornieX, humans are forced into speed-dating programs to produce more slave offspring, while protesters in the Indiana Grimlands brave devastated city centers, coming out in full force to defeat a bill that would allow same-sex couples to wed. Internationally, the last remaining Israeli and Palestinian are still locked in battle, and completion of the world-destroying 'Doomsday Machine' has been delayed once again, sparking widespread outrage that life on earth will have to continue.
"FactZone" host Brooke Alvarez and her team of reporters sift through the lies to uncover the truths behind the day's most prominent, headline-grabbing news stories, including coverage of one equine enthusiast's recent marriage.
It's the fifth anniversary of the highly successful FactZone feature, and the network celebrates its viewership dominance.
News maven Brooke Alvarez and her team of veteran correspondents use their skills as reporters to shape the public opinion of everyday Americans on a variety of news stories, ranging from entertainment news to the latest about the trial of TR-425.
After America suffers a cyber attack, Brooke Alvarez interviews top U.S. officials via satellite.
With a giant asteroid expected to hit Earth on October 4th, the Onion News Network has announced it will continue broadcasting until the moment the planet is destroyed.
Cross Examination's Shelby Cross leads a crusade to rip through every home in America to search for missing one-year-old Baby Kate. In the FactZone, Brooke and the ONN team reveal an extremist obese society's foiled attempts to kidnap Michelle Obama and O'Brady Shaw takes a drunk driving victim's death so personally that the victim's family must take a break from their own grief to comfort O'Brady. In other news, reports show that the iPhone 5 will come conveniently packaged with rumors about the iPhone 6.
FactZone introduces its newest piece of technology: an updated touchscreen that Tucker can control with his mind. Unfortunately for Tucker, the new "Brainwall" starts to display Tucker's darkest thoughts. Also, O'Brady's compassion for stray earthquake victims goes a little too far, when he starts "mercifully" killing dogs to relieve them after the disaster. Brooke reports on a coma-bound Republican Presidential candidate who is polling surprisingly well due to his lack of politically disastrous gaffes, and Rapper Kanye West faces down the nation of Syria in a Twitter battle over who was chanting first.
FactZone says goodbye to legendary newsman, Brandon Armstrong, who was killed in a brothel fire. Shelby Cross admonishes parents not to let their children trick-or-treat during Halloween, or what she refers to as the "Pedophiles' Christmas." Autistic Reporter, Michael Falk, asks the tough questions about a search and rescue mission's dismal chances of finding missing hikers and the First Responders react to the latest GOP debate, that they may or may not have even watched.
A revealing documentary airs on public television about Brooke Alvarez's secret life as a Russian child cosmonaut . Brooke is forced to relive the traumatizing experience of being trapped in a space shuttle with a vicious chimpanzee named Mr. Dmitry. Also, the U.S. government hires the genius behind Zico coconut water to try to help America out of its economic hole and a prostitute is caught paying Mitt Romney for sex.
The network morning show stages a very special takeover.
A report on sex in America.
The studio gains artificial intelligence and falls in love with Brooke, millions across the country are dangerously trapped in an Animal Hoarders marathon, and Jean Anne Whorton investigates the cruel underground blood sport of spouse fighting.
O'Brady Shaw joins Brooke on FactZone as her cohost to promote his new special "The Cries of the Children." A loud woman accountant is bothering the whole nation with her grating chatter. And a new weight loss drug is being released onto the market that curbs eating by making the user hallucinate that their food is a swarm of vicious, bloodthirsty monsters.
The gang looks back on 2011.
271 are dead after an Onion News Network Special Investigative Report on airport security.
A Colorado-based Christian charity is providing aid for any and all heterosexual Africans in need.
The MacBook Wheel lets consumers accomplish everyday tasks like typing with just a few dozen spins and clicks of a wheel.
Today Now! welcomes adventurer and balloonist Trent Montaug, who is determined to steer the conversation to the horrors of horse abuse.
Community members who didn't burn to death are struggling to accept the devastating loss of so much premium fuel.
Rep. Cummings (D-VA) wants to mark Obamas historic inauguration with an intricately choreographed dance piece of his own creation.
In Beyond The Facts, we examine how Bratz are convincing a generation of girls that to be hip and beautiful they have to have gigantic heads.
Teachers may have overlooked a number of red flags, including Bobby Knowles' turbulent home life, violent writing, and previous school shootings.
From Onion News Network International: North Korea's space program will capture the moon and bring it home, a feat no Western nation could accomplish.
Author Jerry Bloom visits Today Now to explain how you can make your kitchen floor shine without falling and paralyzing yourself for life.
The Giants Coach said he valued the years he spent with his family, but wants to focus on more important things now.
Our panelists debate whether TV programs like A Double Shot At Love and The Bad Girls Club depict unattainable levels of skankiness.
Our Tech Trends reporter looks at the new gizmo Sony promises will revolutionize the way consumers become infuriated by goddamn blinking TV box things.
Made by Pfizer, Despondex is the first drug designed to treat the symptoms of excessive perkiness.
Amivi Gama's violent rise to power has proved that women are just as capable as men when it comes to brutality and oppression.
On Today Now, Peter Hedgemont shares the inspirational tale of how he has refused to let a cancer diagnosis convince him he has cancer.
The U.S. is considering sanctions against the Eastern European nation if it does not reduce the number of unsolicited offers for Viagra and replica handbags it sends.
Panelists debate whether games like Fallout 3 and Gears Of War 2 are teaching children skills they'll really need in the End Times.
Celebrity watchers attribute the exorbitant price to the incredibly low demand for any news about Jennifer Love Hewitt.
Rep. Gregory White (D-NH) tearfully asks forgiveness for the degrading and sinful acts he is about to engage in.
Online universities and bible colleges will be among the thousands of teams vying to prove they are the best in the nation.
Panelists dismiss the notion that something could go wrong with the 75-foot-tall crabs that shoot acid from their mouths.
Steel Hawk Inc. is offering a full refund to customers who bought thenon-flesh-shredding bullets.
Paleontologists believe the intact skeleton could shed light on the bizarre fetishes of this pervert dinosaur.
Business Week ranked the airport last in customer satisfaction due to long delays, bureaucratic employees, and overall oppressive atmosphere.
Rep. David Whittle (D-VA) speaks passionately about how his son, who died in Iraq, would have loved to see this appropriations bill passed.
Georgia police were so confident Marshall was the man who killed young Janet Kelly in a state bear preserve, they didn't investigate other suspects.
After her best friend was killed by flying debris, Today Now host Tracy Gill dedicated her life to protecting other people from wind-borne rubble.
Experts say Close Range sets a new standard for first-person shooter games with its vivid graphics and endless stream of exploding faces.
Panelists discuss how pornography warps children's minds, leading them to believe sex is actually fun rather than shameful and embarrassing.
From the Onion Prison Channel: Prison analysts warn rising inflation could devalue everything from rim jobs to shivs.
Treasury Officials say the dye used in printed money is extremely toxic and urge Americans to send all their cash to Washington immediately.
A new Department of Labor report finds personal outsourcing is revolutionizing how Americans don't do their own work.
In The Know panelists discuss whether seeing images of dead babies and bludgeoned prostitutes in our sleep is desensitizing Americans to violence.
On Auto Warriors two Ford plants will battle it out, building to the LIVE season finale event: one plant will close, 3,000 will get the axe!
Uganda's Ambassador is threatening to abolish the Committee on Conferences and author the draft calendar of conferences and meetings himself.
Long time fans of the Star Trek franchise say JJ Abrams' enjoyable, engaging prequel betrays what Star Trek is all about.
On Today Now!, Jim and Tracy meet James Kimura, a 12-year-old afflicted with the ability to spell long words normal kids don't even care about.
Appointed by Bush in 2003 to distract from the horrors of war, Liberty's antics turned fatal yesterday when he cart-wheeled into a roadside bomb.
Congressman Eisley conducts hearing on Market Data Protection Reform, restrains self from murdering five year old son.
The fire was ruled an accident after a tedious review of thousands of digital photos documenting every second of the five hour party.
Hockey officials hope to attract fans and create a higher-scoring, fast-paced game with a new aerodynamic puck and artificial turf instead of ice.
Girlfriends' spokesperson Kelly Ambrose joins us in the Financial Fallout Shelter to discuss why Boyfriends moving in with them just makes fiscal sense right now.
Host becomes curiously pushy, sweaty in this roundtable discussion about loopholes in manslaughter law in the US.
Rep. Iscoe warns gays will give penises to lesbians who will give them vagina's so that homosexuals can marry and continue their attack on the American family.
Designed with the frustrated, sleep-deprived parent in mind, the BabySafe Ball can withstand shaking, stabbing, and claims you wish it'd never been born.
Obama will abandon complex policies on emissions, clean coal and refocus on achievable goals like applying deodorant daily, learning what to say when you burp.
Rep. McCullough cannot even fathom the amount of contempt you'd have to hold for Congress, the American people to do something so inconsiderate.
After gym doctors confirmed the injuries were career-ending, Johnson's trainers said there was no reason to keep her alive.
Treasury officials say the gold has just been rattling around in the bottom of some vaults at the US Bullion Depository anyway, and the government...
The President says the purpose of the performance reviews is to have a little face time to make sure we're all on the same page going forward.
Taco Bell boasts zero environmental impact with their new menu which will rely solely on synthetic, lab-produced ingredients.
Fast food giant Yum! Brands believes its new feedbags will make it even easier for Americans to constantly be eating.
Citizens across Mexico hope that the new Asshole Wall will stem the tide of assholes that visit from the US each year to aggressively drink, vomit.
In The Know's new live internet poll feature revolutionizes how pundits shamelessly cater to what viewers want to hear.
Supporters of the Pentagon's Dragon Tank urge Obama to reconsider the fearsome power of titanium nostrils mounted with long-range flamethrowers.
Jim and Tracy learn that in nations like Sierra Leone children as young as 12 are forced to smile, wave, and shake hands until they drop from exhaustion.
The curmudgeonly Poyuan Wei thinks the only thing wrong with the Chinese Government is that they are not tough enough on dissidents.
Boxing officials are hoping the once in a lifetime chance to see Holyfield try to take down thoroughbred Evening Dream will reignite interest in...
Rep. Lynn Merriweather says bill will protect the millions of Americans who just want to appear as young as they feel on the inside, that's all.
Congress says that with no way to actually pay back our debts, faking a coup to eliminate financial obligations is the best plan for the U.S. economy.
Child safety expert and ex-pedophile Terry Parker drops in on the morning show to share some insider tips from his years spent as a sex offender!
Web users who choose to move to the desolate village are guaranteed an environment free from Google products and natural light from the sun.
Women Deserve Better says PETA abuses defenseless, simple-minded women by forcing them to remove their clothes and participate in humiliating publicity stunts.
White House officials admit Obama's extreme confidence and total euphoria over "hope" and "change" were symptoms of a prolonged manic episode.
Despite eyebrows raised by his .850 batting average and Persian oil lamp he carries everywhere, 'Magic Lamp' emphatically denies ever using a genie.
Government officials have not determined the source of the music or what it could portend, but they urge Americans to avoid deserted mansions, woods, and eerily quiet lake cabins.
In The Know panelists discuss the closing of the controversial detainee labyrinth and debate whether the Minotaurs sternum-stomping-by-hooves...
'E-Mom' Gloria Bianco shows Jim and Tracy how geographical distance is no longer a roadblock to shamelessly interfering with the lives of your children.
Thanks to the NFL's Mentoring Program, the Lions got to spend a fun-filled day with the pros learning to catch, tackle.
Americans say attending a 911 vigil or observing a moment of silence to only then come home to jerk off is disrespectful and wrong.
Innocent civilians across the impact zone are picking up the pieces after Secretary of State Clinton's tedious visits to their farms, cultural centers.
As Americans rush to join the Nouveau Poor, panelists debate whether the newly poor are capable of integrating with long established poor families from old poverty roots.
Congress is deadlocked on the best way to get a bat out of their committee chamber.
8 year old Lucas Armitage has become a national hero after bravely defending his home by shooting a burglar multiple times in the chest and neck.
On Raw Justice, host Dean Reid investigates the closed case of an 'accidental' fire and finds shocking new evidence of sexually motivated arson.
Panelists discuss whether Obama's openly loving family is a slap in the face to the average American who only bears feelings of resentment towards relatives.
The CDC's new anti-smoking campaign effectively reaches teens with a simple message: if you smoke, people are going to know you're totally crazy for butt sex.
White House officials are confident the President will be able to convince the wildfire to stop incinerating large swaths of land and American homes.
Dan Kellogg visits Today NOW! with money tips for one particular woman who forgot to close her bedroom drapes last night.
Steam Room analysts debate whether the International Fencing Federation should rein in this rogue, or if De La Croix will narrowly escape yet again.
In The Know panelists call Biden's decision to sneeze in the middle of a high level policy meeting 'disgusting' and 'completely inappropriate.'
Expert stops by Today NOW! to show parents of girly sons costume tips to survive Halloween without accentuating their child's obvious homosexuality.
People are breathing a sigh of relief today for the long-suffering spectators' sudden deaths, and for the total elimination of the Clippers' roster off the face of the earth.
An honors student died in the crash today, leaving the nation to wonder why the grisly experience of burning alive was not reserved for Glenn Beck.
Ford says the '93 Taurus is the only car to drive in 2010, and they think Americans will have no other choice but to agree.
Designers say the new game explores the endless paperwork, routine patrolling a modern day soldier endures in photorealistic detail.
Officials say the President's home teleprompter is simply a tool to make sure pillow talk with Michelle or conversations with his Mother-In-Law go smoothly.
11 year old Thomas Demming visits Today NOW! with the magical friend he hid for weeks in his bedroom closet.
Republicans say they have found their fresh new face in the corpse of Ronald Reagan, recently back from the dead.
Panelists discuss whether there is an epidemic among young people today who get stoked over everything from free keychains to tacos.
The DEA says Lil Wayne is an indispensable weapon against Mexican drug cartels having eradicated 40 tons of marijuana alone by smoking it himself.
Adult readers say they are drawn to the 'Green Man' children's book series by the complexity of its characters ranging from yellow to blue.
Researchers conducting the Friendster excavation say the site has been deserted since the year 2005 A.D.
Clean-up crews are hard at work after a VH1 bus carrying reality show contestants overturned, spilling 2,000 pounds of highly concentrated slut.
Congo lawmakers are convinced the stimulus package will give Congolese the assault weapons they need to obtain clothes, food.
Citing White House Pressure, Hennessy pulled the Biden ads saying "Joe will always epitomize the smooth, original style of our world class cognac."
In The Know panelists say more states should make decorating a nursery and choosing a baby name required steps in obtaining access to an abortion.
Producers say the last season of 'Lost' will contain an unprecedented number of twists and turns for fans to endlessly debate around people who don't care at all.
In this episode of 'Raw Justice,' a depraved sex fiend violated his wife's body almost weekly for ten years before finally murdering her.
Rep. Bruce Durant proposes a bill protecting anyone who who may have had a little too much to drink at a White House event and called Michelle Obama a "beautiful queen."
Chris Lukawski, a longtime devotee of the Packers and beer, is confident his battered liver and family can handle another NFL season of unrestrained alcohol consumption.
Melissa Donley, author and cat relationship expert, visits Today NOW! with some tips for people in long term relationships with their cats.
Computer experts say individuals with upcoming bachelor parties or after work get-togethers are especially vulnerable to cyber attacks resulting in fraudulent late-night purchases.
The team of scientists says the $19 million dollar mission will put them in direct contact with a woman by 2018.
The Minnesota law would nullify the marriages of an estimated 2.4 million couples currently living in silent resentment or seething hatred.
Panelists debate the validity of a new report which claims many decorative baby skulls are obtained by unlawful, inhumane means.
Tourism officials hope the acclaimed Danish director's bleak vision of unsettling sexuality and brutal violence will attract more visitors to their country.
Rep. Cummings (D-VA) vows to ignore the haters and rise above the drama during the filming of his new reality series.
After Obama slips up during an address on health care, White House officials are forced to admit the president occasionally uses a backing track for important speeches.
Panelists discuss how the decline of the newspaper industry will affect the loons and shut-ins who rely on newspapers for stacking around their ramshackle homes.
Excruciating up-to-the-minute coverage of some irrelevant bullshit story that has no ramifications whatsoever.
Rich and Lisa Shaw say there were no warning signs that their 300-pound Burmese Python would crush and eat their 3 year old son.
The NCAA will investigate the Kentucky program for major recruiting violations including improper gifts of milk bones and rope tug toys.
Bestselling author Craig Wheedon stops by Today NOW! to urge ladies to face the truth and dump the shapeshifter.
Stouffers says the suicide prevention tips are available on all single serving microwavable dinners whether you enjoy veal parmigiana alone or beef stroganoff alone.
Tulane University researchers say Quigley is now able to experience the crippling fear of impending death previously only accessible to humans.
Nostalgic Sox fans will be delighted by the re-antiquated Fenway Park complete with splintered bleachers and obstructed views.
Suspect Alex Croft, who has a ton of black friends, planned to kill Obama because of his socialist agenda; not because of his skin color.
DEA Official Stephen Lovejoy says Matt Lovejoy was found in possession of 1/8th ounce of marijuana and a glass pipe in defiance of the law and his Mother.
Congress hopes the Pornographic Media Concealment Act will ensure a lasting, respectable legacy for our nation, unmarred by the massive quantities of filthy porn we regularly consume.
In The Know panelists debate how a high quality product like the EZ-Go Juicer could be available at such a low, low price.
Movie-goers are flocking to buy advance tickets for the sequel, hoping to be among the first to see the rumored scene in which Paltrow gets brutally punched in the face.
Fresh from his Blue Grass Stakes win, Hollins moves onto the Kentucky Derby where he hopes to be the first to mercilessly beat a horse across the finish line.
Live O-SPAN coverage of the 75th annual dinner with a special awards presentation to the crew who tirelessly buffed every inch of the White House State Floor this past winter.
This spring on the Onion News Network '08 Presidential candidate and unabashed straight-shooter Joad Cressbeckler returns to tackle today's toughest issues. America's Goin' Joad.
A Hollywood insider since childhood, Barrymore finally reveals all in her new 42-page autobiographical coloring book.
Organizers say until there is absolute acceptance of breastfeeding, nursing moms must vigilantly expose their swollen, milk-sodden breasts everywhere from community cookouts to the local hardware store.
The former third party presidential candidate returns to helm 'The Cressbeckler Stance' and sound off on flannel-mouthed liars from Washington to Wall Street.
The new feature reduces Google phone users' cell phone costs while providing them with unobtrusive, personalized ads delivered in a friendly whisper.
Constitutional debate continues over whether public schools should include biblical Armageddon alongside global warming in end-of-world curriculum.
The bipartisan group of representatives who submitted the emergency bill late last night say they stand by it, though they don't completely remember all of the details.
Jim and Tracy welcome fallen firefighter Logan Norelli's wife on Today NOW! for a special tribute to a true American hero and total smokin' hottie.
The paper says the new personalized articles target the interests of Massachusetts residents and final three Globe readers Michael Fisher, Camille Kresge, and Buddy.
A troubling national report finds an increasing number of parents have found strange pipes, herbs, and other implements of shamanic activity in their teenagers' bedrooms.
Plagued for years by swirling rumors about its sexuality, soccer has finally come out, becoming the world's first openly gay sport.
On Today Now!, 87-year-old Beverly DeAngeles gives tips for trapping a census worker in your home for as long as possible.
Officials say a positive E. coli test prompted the recall, affecting the Wharton family's stores of ground beef, beef chuck, and rump roast.
In June 1924 Representative Oliver Shaker (D) condemned government inaction on the issue of publicly exposed horse penis and proposed a law which would federally equire horses to wear modesty dresses.
ONN's Terrorism Expert Omar Al-Farouq explains how Al Qaeda's love for the beloved teen vampire series prevented the death of thousands.
While other media outlets bring you news as it happens, only the Onion News Network has the power to bring you the news before it happens. With our state-of-the-art wormhole satellites, we can now transmit Onion News Network broadcasts from the year 2137.
Susan Eckman from The National Archives comes on Today Now! to share newly discovered National Anthem verses about brutally decapitating enemies during the War of 1812.
Tech Trends' Jeff Tate explains the new service that pairs insufferable Apple customers with "friends" that will listen to them rattle on for hours.
In The Know panelists discuss yesterday's truck accident, and why nothing was done to prevent the vehicle from accidentally spiraling out of control and killing rafters in canyon below.
"'Molly' and Developmental Psychologist Dr. Kenneth Ives come on Today Now! to talk about her upbringing as a half-human, half-Wolf Blitzer.
Today Now! welcomes entertainment reporter Alex Blair, who has all the gossip on Jen's adorable new man.
Chilling audio recovered from Flight 1134's data-recording parrot, Banana, contain mentions of "altitude loss", "pretty feathers".
Doing away with kid-friendly info bubbles and colorful photos, new 'TIME Advanced' will cater to adults with an interest in news.
The Panelists on In The Know discuss the many ways in which our educational system caters to students who try, care, are awake.
Police invaded notorious meth dealer Daryl Krogen's home, seizing dozens of bicycle parts and more than ten dollars worth of stolen paint.
Author Nina Davis visits the hosts of Today Now and informs them that you don't have to diet to look slimmer, just mash your flab into a more flattering silhouette.
In this O-SPAN clip from 1963, the CIA explains that the accidental overthrow was due to "a little miscommunication" while overthrowing some nearby Central American countries.
The emergency influx of bachelors is expected to combat crisis levels of good men ready for something real.
Onion News Network pundit Joad Cressbeckler takes NASA to task for getting full as a tick on the hard earned money of Americans.
On Today Now!, golf expert Jordan Ritter has some Pro Tips for maintaining a steady swing while hitting the links with your mistress' husband.
Brooke Alvarez runs down the biggest stories of the day on the Onion News Network's top-rated show, FactZone. Co-host Tucker Hope delivers the Daily Briefing on his high-tech touchscreen, the Recon Wall. When your world is gripped by confusion and terror, there's only one news network you can turn to: the Onion News Network.
Stargazers around the world were able to see one of our closest celestial neighbors. God's Penis peaked in its fullest at 9:35pm EST, but hung proudly in our night sky throughout the night, according to NASA.
