Welcome to The Bald and The Beautiful! Nothing's off-limits in this episode - from "neck down showers" to the question of "to wear makeup or not to wear makeup?" when you're out of drag. Trixie and Katya break down the debate between Inner Beauty vs. Self-Image, retell some makeup horror stories, and talk about how "ugliness is in the eye of the beholder." Plus, Katya's excited to finally tell some stories without being rudely interrupted.
Fena Barbitall joins Trixie and Katya to talk about her journey from doing drag at night and working at MAC Cosmetics during the day to creating her very own custom wigs. Fena and Katya share stories of doing drag together in Boston, plus the story of when baby Fena's love of Madonna outed her at camp.
Kim Chi joins Trixie and Katya to chat about how she built her own cosmetic empire, who she thinks is the best makeup artist queen, and what it was like performing with Trixie at early gigs at the Soho House. Plus, Katya and Kim Chi retell a story of how they were saved by a fan in a torrential downpour at Denny's.
Moving Parts filmmaker and producer, David Silver (aka Trixie's boyfriend) comes onto the show to talk about everything from what it was like to make a movie with Trixie, why they don't post about each other that often, and how he'd love to do a documentary about Amanda Lepore. Plus, Trixie, Katya, and David give their thoughts on throuples.
Adult film star extraordinaire and producer Wesley Woods joins Trixie and Katya to talk about O.G. drag queens, bathroom sex, and letting the damn ghouls and goblins have their day. And through our continuing mission to properly educate our listeners, we finally answer the age-old question of: "Super Smooth or Super Hairy?".
Straight from the 12th season of RuPaul's Drag Race, this week we welcome Jaida Essence Hall & Heidi N Closet to engage in thorough conversation about Gym Peacocking, Green Asses, Paul Ruth's Steakhouse, and Humps with Eyelashes.
Drag Race star Bob the Drag Queen joins Trixie and Katya, as they take a journey through presidential election drama, tales of fisting, and gross bathroom debacles. Bob also discusses polyamory dynamics, criticizes Trixie's Tik Tok, and laments Shirley Phelps' missed potential to be a gay icon.
Trixie and Katya are joined by Ashley Levy of The Blah Blah Blahs to discuss crystal-induced nightmares, making music for commercials, and the wonderful world of voice flavors. (FYI: Katya's voice is apparently a Triscuit)
The ageless Amy “Shrinkle” Doan, founder of Sugarpill cosmetics, reminisces about starting an indie makeup line, blending business and passion, and unfortunate burrito incidents. With their cruelty-free line celebrating its 10 year anniversary, Amy reveals the struggles of being taken seriously in the business world and paying her dues.
Photographer Franz Szony joins Trixie and Katya to delve into his surrealist portraits that mix glamor with dreamlike visuals. Franz explains the creative process behind his unique style that includes everything from eye-popping colors to crowns of penises. Also, Katya wants Franz to photograph her wake.
The legendary, incomparable, and flawless Violet Chachki talks spiraling from hanger, having an Attitude, and Drag Race memories. Get ready for immense amounts of shade, lots of reading, and several harsh truths about what it takes to be absolutely perfect.
Alaska 5000 talks beauty icons, making catchy music, and finally realizing how beautiful she is while on molly at Burning Man. Brace yourself for some not-so-glamorous drag memories, nostril waxing, and what the hell is ear candling?
Join Trixie and Katya as they discuss guest Sasha Belle's (aka Frisbee Jenkins) hot body, what's it like being a drag queen from Iowa, and what Sasha won't do on OnlyFans.
Trixie and Katya are joined by the species-and-genre-defying Miss Fame, to talk about the futility of tik tok, the sadder side of fame, and the journey from humble beginnings to going shopping with celebrities and not being able to afford anything.
Trixie and Katya are joined by Canadian YouTuber, socialite, actress, and model: the one-and-only Gigi Gorgeous! They tackle toxic YouTube comments, silly insecurities, excess labia, and insanely inappropriate questions on live TV from Katie Couric.
Straight from the Great White North, Trixie and Katya are joined by Canadian TV personality, drag queen, and winner of Canada's 2020 Drag Race: the queen Priyanka! Topics covered in this episode include the joys of nasal COVID swabs, the ancient drinking traditions of Newfoundland, b*******e sex in drag, and consensual dick pics.
All aboard, folks. Our tour guides today will be Trixie and Katya. From teenage brides to Nick Nolte fantasies to grandpa sex, we guarantee you'll be a better person by the end of this episode. Come for the tips about sex with old people, stay for the wisdom about spousal finances.
This week Trixie and Katya are joined by the infamous, inimitable star of Drag Race season 7, legend of stage and screen, Mrs. Kasha Davis! They talk Botox, witch hazel, trash bags full of dollar bills, and how to keep a long-time marriage spicy after more than a decade. (hint: it involves wigs)
Trixie & Katya are joined this week by the runner-up in the twelfth season of RuPaul's Drag Race, the Gigi Goode! The convo runs the gamut from Australian accents to hot Scooby-Doo characters to wig confidence to the olfactory evils of Drakkar Noir.
From Scream to Romeo + Juliet to Bowfinger to Malibu's Most Wanted, this week's guest is an outright entertainment legend. Trixie & Katya are joined by actor, comedian, and screenwriter Jamie Kennedy! The three showbiz souls put their brains together to solve social media, decide that Clubhouse is not a thing, and reminisce about the glory days of the 90s when the term, "followers" meant creepy people that would actually follow you around. Also, Katya learns how to lease a car. It's truly magnificent.
As we look out onto the gray skies and bleak landscape that herald the doldrums of winter, this week's episode with Trixie and Katya is here to be the warm beverage that soothes your soul until the light of springtime finally arrives to brighten your day. They also discuss the perils of marathon turds.
From a mysterious cabin in the remote wilderness comes a guest with beauty credentials that are truly unprecedented in the history of the podcast. The otherworldly deity of the forest, also known as Pearl, joins Trixie and Katya for an amazing conversation about beauty buses, glitter secrets, the magic of wilderness weed, and the joys of avoiding humanity.
Today the girls are joined by the most-famous blonde about town, makeup-artist extraordinaire, and legendary painter of beautiful faces, Darian Darling! Come for the juicy behind-the-scenes stories, stay for the self-deprecating jokes about her impossibly fabulous life.
The peerless, legendary, incomparable queen of TikTok, Brittany Broski (aka "Kombucha Girl"), joins Trixie and Katya to talk about her massive podcast, her vanilla musk scent, the perils of meme culture, her stellar cosmeceuticals skills, and the hidden joys of being internet famous in the real world.
From advice on locating your ferociously fierce inner diva to an erudite debate on the existence of an afterlife to a deep-dive on Michael Shannon's private parts, this episode is without a doubt the best podcast episode in the history of recorded sound. Lastly, if you don't agree with this ridiculously hyperbolic statement, you're likely going to a version of hell where you have to sit in a room and smell a burnt onion recipe for eternity.
As part of our special Mother's Day Bald and the Beautiful Extravaganza, we are so excited to welcome Trixie's Mom to the show. Folks, this is like a Jerry Springer episode on steroids. We're talking extreme drug addiction, baby mamas, aliens, cults, and secret second families in Canada. In all honesty, Trixie and her Mom both led shockingly well-adjusted lives and love each other very much. But they do talk about edibles, familial drama, and Trixie's Mom getting hit on whilst in drag. So it's not all rainbows and ponies, people. (but it is very touching at times, which is disgusting)
Part 2 of our special Mother's Day Bald and the Beautiful Extravaganza continues as we welcome Katya's Mom to the podcast! After recovering from the only known case of COVID hemorrhoids, she is fresh out of acute posterior rehab and ready to talk about Katya's placenta, her tragic deli-based skull injuries as an infant, and the actual legal name she was given at birth. This episode is touching. It's confusing. It's kinda gross. In other words, it's a microcosm of genuine motherly love.
Fresh off an insane trip to Mexico for the kitty litter party of all kitty litter parties, Katya regales us with tales of hallucinations where she had an in-depth conversation about Franklin Delano Roosevelt's economics polices with a purple frog whilst on the deck of the Titanic. (in reality, she threw up a bunch after taking some psychedelics, but the purple frog/FDR story sounds amazing, right?) From a physical rebirth south of the border to Madonna's greatest acting performance to the joys of a shorn a**hole, today's episode is, quite simply, marvelous. Enjoy.
Today, the gods of show business saw fit to rain down upon the grizzled gay ghouls of the Bald and the Beautiful with the brilliance, the eminence, the sheer megawatt starness that is: Chelsea Handler. So stop what you're doing, take your spoon out of that peanut butter jar you filthy animal, and pour yourself a fizzy, New Jersey-inspired wine spritzer. For on this fine day, you heathens, you all shall feast with the comedy gods as Trixie, Katya, and comedian, TV host, advocate and six-time New York Times best-selling author Chelsea Handler talk microdosing, vagina cabins, and the myriad joys of being childless and alone during a worldwide pandemic. Don't forget to check out Chelsea's new HBO Max special "Evolution" and her new podcast, "Dear Chelsea"!
As Katya undergoes the world's first experimental belly button-bleaching surgery in the mountains of Tanzania and Trixie puts the finishing touches on her long-gestating Alf biography, the girls are blessing your ears with a much-needed revisiting of their ground-breaking, laughter-inducing, bladder-destroying first episode of the podcast. That's right, folks. This is where it all started. Or ended, depending upon how you feel about the show. So find a spot on your couch that isn't stained with fluorescent yellow nacho cheese, and pop open a Bartles & Jaymes wine cooler for 50-ish minutes of pure auditory ecstasy.
Put some extra ice in that Arnold Palmer, unwrap a refreshing York Peppermint Patty, and crank up that air conditioning, you sweaty hogs. Rejoice as we celebrate the swamp-ass-laden zenith of summer! Amidst crappy news of hurricanes and political turmoil, we take a fantastical trip down memory lane to discuss disco music, swimming pool self-abuse, gift-giving etiquette, and the sheer brilliance of 90's music videos.
From the lows of making an unfortunate calendar-based Twitter faux pas to the highs of a stupendous, scintillating, splendiferous Violet Chachki performance, today's episode is a shining beacon of light upon a hilltop surround by the dreck that is the contemporary podcast oeuvre. Put down that dollar-store frozen burrito, slap on some deodorant, and try to pretend that you're a civilized human being for forty-five minutes instead of a rancid sack of flesh and hair. Also, Happy Labor Day, you heathens.
From the reproductive F.U.B.A.R. that is Texas to the epic grunts and fiery topspin of female tennis players to Trixie's unseating of Diplo as the world's most famous DJ, today's episode is chock-full of life lessons and inspirational teachings to help you be a better, loving human being. Or it's 45 minutes of two queens talking about sex, drugs, and polygamy. You'll have to listen to find out.
Times, friends, they are a changin'. From a full-throated endorsement of the Cheesecake Factory's Skinnylicious Menu to an erudite debate about wigs in film to a profession of unadulterated love towards Panda Express's orange chicken, this week's episode begs the question, "Should Trixie and Katya spend less time together?"
From rubber genitalia in a parking lot to refried bean-induced gastrointestinal distress to broom closets stuffed with depressed backup dancers, today's episode is a life-lesson in how to turn off your AM radio, sit down in a quiet room with saltines and warm milk, and thank whatever heathen god you happen to worship for your blessed life. And if you don't believe you lead a blessed life, you will after experiencing the unadulterated joy that is slowly consuming crispy saltines and room-temperature milk in a silent, darkened room.
As we plan a few forthcoming Bald projects to satiate you filthy heathens, we re-visit one of our favorite episodes with the peerless, legendary, incomparable queen of TikTok, Brittany Broski (aka "Kombucha Girl"). She joins Trixie and Katya to talk about her intoxicating vanilla musk scent, the perils of meme culture, her stellar cosmeceuticals skills, and the secret magic of Dave & Buster's.
As the Bald & the Beautiful creative team engages in To-The-Death team-building exercises in a volcano off the shores of North Africa, we'd like to revisit one of our favorite episodes with editor, producer, & creator of the legendary internet phenomenon Jiz, Jeff Maccubbin! Extraordinarily erudite topics are discussed, such as POV porn, inserting birds into UNHhhh, and the shortcomings of our public school system. Also cum. Lots and lots of talk about cum.
As Fall finally arrives and brings with it the deaths of millions upon millions of poor, innocent leaves, let's take a moment to reflect on the comedic genius that is Macy Rodamn's Caitlyn Jenner impersonation. As the Bald creative team puts the finishing touches on the next great American novel, we revisit the time that artist, singer, actor, and IGTV Hall of Famer Macy Rodman joined the girls in the studio to discuss her Caitlyn Jenner Impersonation, Lana Del Rey-fueled Twitter Mobs, and the absolute insanity of Wendy Williams. This one was all over the place topic-wise, but it's not about the destination. It's about the journey, folks.
This week's episode is a special occasion, you filthy animals. So trim your nose hair, shave your shoulders, and slather on some Drakkar Noir to cover up your disgusting musk. Trixie and Katya explore such weighty topics as traveling toddlers, murderous maladies, and automotive intercourse. So dim the lamps, light the jack-o-lantern, and settle in to experience the most terrifying tales of mung-diving you'll hear this entire Halloween season.
Fresh off a semi-successful back-alley appendix surgery in the frigid Midwest, Trixie joins Katya to talk about her end-of-life epiphany: from here on out, it's goodwill, love, and charity forever! Or, in reality, they talk about painful diarrhea, airplane breakfasts, and yeast infections. Either way, here's some brand-spanking-new Bald content for you filthy peasants.
As Trixie continues her convalescence in a rustic chalet in the heart of the Swiss Alps, Katya joins her for an education on the health benefits of red wine and fondue when consumed at high altitudes. Eventually, the two touch upon such weighty topics as thermometer technology, hetero-societal wedding norms, micro-penis charities, and the perils of porn fasts.
Close the sashes, draw the curtains, light some candles, and let's welcome the one, the only, Guillermo from What We Do in the Shadows, Harvey Guillén! Listen as Trixie and Katya fan-girl the f**k out in an amazing interview which covers everything from Harvey's magical audition story to the show's countless running gags to the ever-expanding set & costume design in subsequent seasons. If you've ever seen this shockingly funny show, today's episode will hit you like a migraine of joy with a side of merriment.
As trees across the nation cease the production of chlorophyll and we celebrate the slow, agonizing death of leaves, let us pause for a moment and reflect on the little things we mistakenly deem important in our tiny, inconsequential, ultimately meaningless lives: random voicemails from 2019, Wife Swap marathons, and the image of Lady Gaga eating a cannoli whilst dripping mascarpone all over her Oscar statue.
The city is silent. The streets are empty. As a grizzled gay ghoul sits alone in a dimly-lit apartment, his belly warmed from a 12-year-old Scotch, he looks down at his crotch. It might be the booze or that ill-advised 2am bean burrito, but his little friend down south begins speaking. He strains his ears to hear what the little guy is saying: "Come closer. Put on some headphones. Henceforth, you will be known as DJ Crypto Meth."
From music stardom as a teenager to a Grammy win with Santana to numerous appearances on TV and Film, Michelle Branch has been an icon of rock and pop music for more than two decades. This week, the insanely talented singer and songwriter joins Trixie to discuss her illustrious career, her family life, and everything in between.
The fragrant garland has been lovingly hung, a faint scent of Douglas fir is carried on the breeze, and a nip is clearly in the air. As the decorative gourds from Thanksgiving slowly decay in a rusty dumpster next to the backdoor of a shady Thai restaurant, it's impossible to ignore: the holiday season is upon us. And what better season than the winter solstice celebration to discuss the best local Sniffies stairwells & parking garages, memorable visible p*nis lines, and the definition of "too famous for Grindr". Hang your nylon stockings, suck on that cinnamon stick, and mull that wine you filthy b*tches, because here's another amazing episode to bring you tidings of sickeningly good cheer.
'Twas four days before Christmas, and all through the club, not a single bear was stirring, not even a cub. The fishnets were hung, by the faux fireplace with care, in the hopes that Trixie and Katya, would magically sprout thick, luscious hair. They were comfy and nestled, all snug in their beds, whilst questions of "Who would play her?" danced through their heads. When out on the boulevard, there arose such a clatter, it was their crazy neighbor Andre, dressed like the Mad Hatter. He yelled up to their window, "Hey Trixie! Hey Katya! Come down and let's party!" To which Trixie replied, "I can't! I had Taco Bell and now I'm a bit farty!" As Andre ran away, in a ketamine-fueled haze, Trixie and Katya turned to the camera and yelled, "To all the Bald & Beautiful listeners, we wish you Happy F**king Holidays!"
As 2021 comes to a not-so-glorious close, let us reflect upon the things that matter most to us in a world filled with death, destruction, and chaos: reupholstered couches, scathing movie reviews, and the solemn act of cancelling otherwise-amazing New Years Eve plans in favor of binging TV whilst wearing a popcorn-dispensing hat. From all of us here at the Bald & Beautiful headquarters, Happy New Years you filthy troglodytes. Believe it or not, we'll see you in 2022.
With the season 14 premiere of RuPaul's Drag Race only days away, Trixie and Katya take a stroll down memory lane to discuss the highlights, the lowlights, and everything in-between from the entire history of Drag Race. All from the comfort of a balcony at dusk. Don't miss the season premiere on Friday, January 7th at 8/7c only on VH1!
The sun is beginning to set behind a rusty white sign made of corrugated metal on top of a barren hill. A crisp breeze meanders through the "HOLLY", past the "WOOD", and down through the fetid streets of Tinseltown, carrying with it the scent of concealer, latex, sadness, and the sudden realization that Los Angeles is built upon an inherently-ridiculous foundation of misplaced hopes and dreams. It is within this setting that makeup artist, model, and visual chameleon Alexis Stone joins Trixie and Katya to talk about art, science, and precisely where the two meet.
The low hum of The Macarena wafts into your one-bedroom apartment, the source of the 90s earworm a vague mystery. Dusk is slowly dawning on the other side of the thin, sun-rotted curtains. Murder She Wrote is just concluding on The Hallmark Channel as you turn off a dusty lamp and grab a chilled Ensure from your mostly-empty refrigerator. After your wig is safely ensconced on a styrofoam bust on the vanity, you struggle to open your blood-pressure pills with arthritic fingers made all the more slippery with freshly-applied Bengay. As you down the pills with the vanilla-infused protein shake, your tight hip-flexor muscles cause you to groan as you turn off the bedside lamp and pull up the tattered electric blanket you inherited from your Great Aunt Bertha. You stare at the crack on the ceiling above your bed, tracing its growing path towards the yellowed chandelier. You begin to slowly drift off into a fitful slumber. The last thought within your grey matter is a quiet rumination that h
The steady advance of technology marches on, continuous and unceasing. In 1900, less than 10% of families owned a stove, a phone, or had electricity. Fast forward 122 years, and through the real-life miracles of latex, hair implants, and 3D scanning, sex dolls are ready to take their rightful place at the throne of humankind. Let us be the first to give a warm welcome to our squishy, clammy overlords.
There are times in life when it seems as if the entire world is against you. Nothing is going right, everything feels a bit off, and you just want to crawl into a hole and disappear. In those times of despair, don't fret, honey. Everything you need to live your most glorious life is neatly and efficiently contained in today's episode of Bald. From serial-killer dating tips to useless trivia to cleaning advice for gentleman's relish stains, the following hour of audio will brighten your smile, your day, and possibly even your very soul.
As the sun rises over a stark, barren desert landscape, you open stained hotel blinds and squint your eyes as they adjust to the sudden brightness beyond the glass pane. You catch a slight whiff of your heinous morning breath, careless about its effect on others as it's been nine days since you last saw another human being. The difference between day and night has begun to blur, as time has ceased to exist. Has this Christopher Nolan movie been on for two hours? Four hours? Six hours? Does it even matter? At this point, dear friends, the pod is the pod.
As the sun sets and twilight arrives, the ghosts of magic hour appear on the horizon. Your callused hands work furiously to finish attaching the buttons to a new pair of slacks that hide your tiny calves while simultaneously accentuating the hills and valleys where the boys reside. As you take a break to demand that the lotion be placed into the basket, you place your new face on top of your own, marveling at the gentle beauty and the exquisite cheekbones. Your breath is momentarily lost as you realize that you've been reborn, and my gawd do you look fabulous, honey.
As the massive Trixie and Katya Tour starts its journey to a destination filled with tears, sweat, and a ton of dirty underwear, we revisit the low-stress times of 2021 where we gathered in a small studio to chat about Cheesecake Factory's Skinnylicious Menu, wigs in movies, and our unadulterated love of Panda Express's orange chicken. This episode begs the question, "Will Trixie and Katya survive a months-long live tour together?"
As the Trixie and Katya grand tour exits the green, moist forests of the Pacific Northwest and meanders east towards the lumps and bulges of the Rocky Mountains, we check in with our favorite role models to learn about penile hygiene, flatus consumption, and how to make a real difference in this crazy thing we call life. If you aren't properly motivated to better yourself, spread love to others, and join a cult after this episode, then perhaps you should stop listening to this podcast.
To celebrate our 75th episode of the auditory smegma we call The Bald & The Beautiful, we were planning on either making out with strangers underneath the 101 overpass or recording a live episode at the beautiful Paramount Theatre in Austin, TX as part of the Just for Laughs Moontower Comedy Festival. We opted for the latter. Enjoy the utter exquisiteness that is the next 60 minutes of your life, you disgusting heathens.
Some of us have gams that appear as if they were sculpted by the gods themselves on the apex of Mount Olympus. Others, however, have legs that seem like they were dry-cured in the basement of a French farmhouse next to a beautifully-marbled Andouillette sausage. We'll let you decide if this episode is about the former or the latter.
Actor, drag queen, comedian, & musician Kelly Mantle visits Katya in her dark layer of sewing and sequins! They discuss Kelly's experience on the Trixie and Katya Live tour, her ridiculously long IMDb page, and the self-confidence perils of acting alongside genetically-perfect Hollywood a-listers. You can currently see Kelly on the Trixie and Katya Live tour and starring as Sheila on the OUtTv/Amazon Prime sitcom, The Browns.
We here at Bald Headquarters, LLC are thrilled to announce our new collaboration with Fleügghendorfen Air Conditioners! Straight from a snow-drenched chalet in the Bavarian Alps comes Europe's oldest and most-respected HVAC specialist, Fleügghendorfen Air Conditioners. As Trixie deals with the vocal cords of an 80-year-old cigar smoker and Katya is finally on the road to recovery after quadruple hip-replacement surgery, the one thing that brings both of our esteemed hosts a respectable degree of bodily comfort is the cool, mountain air that can only emanate from a genuine Fleügghendorfen Air Conditioner. As they say in the Alps, Fleügghendorfen: for those hot and humid moments when a Scheisseberger simply won't do.
Do you frequently experience an itching or burning sensation? Is discomfort in your posterior region a regular occurrence? Do you have night terrors involving killer clowns & bed-wetting that may have led to a divorce? Trix Pads™ with cooling Katyamine lotion are here to save your marriage, ease your discomfort, and soothe that burning ass. Side effects may include chronic perspiration, sudden-onset bilingualism, and the sprouting of a superfluous third nipple. Happy Pride, Everyone!
Do you find yourself frequently having dreams about a burned, disfigured man wearing a dirty red-and-green-striped sweater and brown fedora? In these dreams, does said man make pun-based jokes and threaten to kill you? Has your bed recently tried to eat you? If so, you may have unintentionally roused the ire of a certain "Mr. Frederick Krueger." While a horrific death may be in your future, we offer the following option: propose a mutually-agreed-upon sexual romp with Freddy in exchange for your soul. While an orifice or two may be extremely sore the next morning, it may just save your life.
In a world where one's public image is everything, we here at Bald, LLC would like to propose a different route: that of radical honesty. Have a small penis? Wear it like a tiny, proud badge. Hairy in all the wrong places? Include that despicable rat's nest in your nude pic. What we're trying to say is stop trying to be something you aren't, and live your life as the disgusting, disfigured, and completely unlovable quasi-human-being that you've always known yourself to be.
MEN SEEKING MEN (Los Angeles Metro Area): Just watched HBO's 2019 series Watchmen. We are two fabulous, bald drag queens seeking omniscient, radioactive, nuclear physicist with massive, luminous blue genitalia for casual sex and future-telling. Monkey pox vaccination preferred but not required. (Time-travel capabilities a plus) Please send pics of your cerulean phallus to "totally_not_trixie_and_katya@lay_me_out.sex".
To celebrate the premiere of Season 4 of What We Do in the Shadows, we're revisiting one of our favorite episodes ever with the one, the only, Guillermo from What We Do in the Shadows, Harvey Guillén! Listen as Trixie and Katya fan-girl the f**k out in an amazing interview with everything from Harvey's magical audition story to the show's countless running gags to the ever-expanding set & genius costume design. Don't miss Season 4, now available on FX and Hulu!
The harvest moon shone bright in the Hollywood sky, illuminating the shattered dreams and stained casting couches below. I was back from tour and more tired than the plot of Morbius. As I settled in for a solitary evening of Netflicking and Green-Cheffing, I took a few too many puffs of the 'ol Green Unicorn Kush. As my mind raced and the synapses in my brain accelerated to the point of near-insanity, I retired to the safety of my bedroom, with only my iPhone in hand. As luck would have it, whilst researching monkey pox, my sausage fingers mistakenly typed in "Monkey Tok", whereby I was transported to a magical world of pet monkeys consuming grapes, bananas, and even watermelon. I was bathed in a level of cuteness that would make a teddy bear implode in a symphony of blood-soaked sweetness. 'Tis the world of Monkey TikTok, my friends, and it is a miracle salve for the many wounds that ail us.
As summer comes to a sweaty, malodorous end and you attempt to enjoy a few solitary moments of seasonal joy, take a minute to dry your swamp-ass in the air-conditioning, put on some clean underwear, and chill that special box of wine you've been saving for a special occasion. This week, we're revisiting an amazing chat with the co-editors of UNHhhh, Jeff Maccubbin & Ronald Hill. Come join the girls and guys in the studio to talk about creative porn scenarios, soul-devouring rockabilly chicks, and the dirty secrets to UNHhhh's comedic brilliance. (hint: it involves dark magic, sacrifice, and doughnuts)
This sexy little minx was like nothing I'd ever seen before. Her legs, of which there were six, went on for days. The jelly in her prothorax, mesothorax, and metathorax jiggled like a jar of freshly opened blackberry jam. There were so many segments in her abdomen that I couldn't decide which one to focus on as I salivated at the sight. I was lost in the ocean of her compound eyes, sitting just below her antennae that were themselves doing an age-old dance of seduction as she waddled across my floor. This little mama had the quick moves and the wings of an angel and she knew it.
We here at Bald Headquarters would like to use this week's episode to introduce our listeners to the mostly-unknown art form of comic books, the even more obscure phenomenon of superheroes, and the finer points of the opening of the rectum on the body's surface, colloquially known as "the anus". And while you're listening, please enjoy a wonderfully-refreshing early-Fall beverage recipe from our Myspace page: "Katya's Eat the Poor Limeade." A spoonful of sugar and a dash of love is all it takes to wash away the thoughts of the filthy proletariat.
Grab a piping hot mug of Tim Hortons, turn on the NHL, hide your Royal Canadian Mounted Police porn VHS, pour a shot of pure Canadian maple syrup, and bury your fat face in a pile of steaming poutine. The dolls have invaded the great white north for a live show at the Just For Laughs Festival in beautiful Toronto. Join us as we both marvel at their universal healthcare and mock them for their smorgasbord of crazy accents.
After two years of wearing easy cheese-stained sweatpants and that vintage Cher 'Do You Believe?' tour t-shirt, it's time to re-visit your closet and break out those accessories. While dainty chains, layered strands, and zodiac trinkets have been en vogue this past summer, it's time to step out into the crisp, fall air with some bold bijoux that tells everyone around you, "I'm a Winner." Made from only the most affordable raw copper on the market, the "Winner" necklace is the must-have accessory as you sip your pumpkin spice latte and pleasure yourself in the park to the fiery foliage this autumn. While your parents, family, and teachers may have never said it, we here at Bald, LLC want you to know that in our humble opinion, you're the epitome of a winner.
The fog has settled in, surrounding the dark soulless condo nestled amongst the broken dreams and shattered souls of Hollywood. High above the urine-stained street, a lamp flickers dimly in a window. Faint shadows on the walls can be seen from below, giving only a tiny glimpse into the horrible monstrosities that dance within. Two hairless, beady-eyed incubi sit opposite each other, their bony claw-like hands holding microphones as they laugh and jest and mock humanity between ads for underwear and sex toys. The full moon breaks through the clouds as dusk finally arrives, causing the two vile creatures to transform into wigged, makeup-caked women, concealing their true demonic forms and allowing them to unleash a symphony of murder, mayhem, and dismemberment upon the fine citizens of Tinseltown. Lock your windows, bolt your doors, and draw the shades, because this Bald Halloween shall end in bloodshed...
Behold, Tik Tok judgement day is nigh! As the soiled masses scroll through prosaic videos of cats, choreography, and cleaning materials, do not pretend you are free from fear. When the end comes, it shall arrive with righteous wrath and fierce anger, darkening the sun, cloaking the moon, and causing the stars to fall from heaven. Tik Tok shall pass judgement upon you and all whom you know, causing the desolation of the land and crushing all social media sinners to dust. We have spoken! Let it be done.
The effervescent, enchanting, & ever-so-ebullient Natasha Leggero stops by the house to chat about her new book, "The World Deserves My Children". She and Katya have a sparkling conversation about such disparate topics as pediatric caviar, mid-life-crisis-techno-DJs, and brainless gutter people having relations with robots in a post-apocalypse hellscape.
As the sun fades and day turns to dusk in Paris, the beautiful Champs-Élysées becomes a twinkling thoroughfare filled with the comings and goings of sharply-dressed Parisians, bustling to and fro beneath the majestic Arc de Triomphe. In a small, nameless cafe, Trixie and her family open a fourth bottle of Châteauneuf-du-Pape as they laugh and smile over a table filled with escargots de bourgogne, couilles de mouton, and tarte tatin. As the warmth and fellowship from this intimate Thanksgiving gathering travels through the cafe doors to the chilly street outside, the scene cuts to America: the barren hills of Hollywood bake under the Southern Californian sun; a house sits alone against a hillside littered with the detritus from citrus trees and forsaken souls. Inside, the critically-acclaimed HBO miniseries Chernobyl is on the television while a Stouffer's Meat Lovers Lasagna bakes in the chef-caliber Miele oven.
Looking for a last minute gift? Go to https://establishedtitles.com/BALD and order a digital title pack certificate to print today! They are running a massive Holiday Sale, plus 10% off on any purchase with code BALD. Thanks to Established Titles for sponsoring this video! With a richly tapestried history spanning nearly two millennia, London is the jewel of the Thames with its cobblestone streets, priceless museums, and trendy boutiques. As the official seat of the once-powerful British Empire, it is virtually impossible to capture the essence of London in anything short of a multi-hour treatise on the massive cultural, political and financial impact this European metropolis has had on the world. Instead, let us focus on the air-conditioning capabilities of this historic municipality, which is eminently more fascinating than all of that other historical and sociopolitical crap.
A dusting of snow gently kisses the needles of a vividly green six-foot balsam fir, all alone in a small forest meadow. Nothing captures nature's majesty quite like a pine-scented solstice soldier, standing guard against the cold; a stark contrast against the pallid December sky. The time has finally come. The season of Krampus is officially upon us. Lock your windows, bolt your doors, and gird your loins for the long, dark, bone-chilling embrace of winter.
A'lo, guv'nor! Grab a steaming cup of PG Tips, take your place in the queue, stuff your face with bangers & mash, and use the trusty National Health Service to check up on that rash that simply won't go away! Come and join Trixie and Katya as they travel to merry 'ol England for a live show at the historic Troxy theater! From insulting the locals for their consumption of blood sausage to detailed stories of hand-based romantic acts, this episode has it all! Happy Holidays to one and all!
As we make the annual trek back to our hometowns to visit family, consume desicated turkey, and meet gross Uncle Rich's 22-year-old girlfriend with a dead tooth, let us take a moment to reflect on the past year and all the wondrous gifts that it has bestowed upon us, including that holly berry-hued eczema that appeared out of nowhere. From everyone at Bald Headquarters here in beautiful Gomorrah, California, we wish you and yours a happy, healthy, and prosperous new year. PS - the new ointment for that eczema should arrive before New Year's Eve.
Nestled amongst saguaro cacti like a majestic mirage in the arid sands of Palm Springs, we welcome you to the glistening, pink-hued motor lodge that is the Trixie Motel! This amazing inn features seven themed rooms expertly prepared for only the finest desert debauchery. Amenities galore await you, like our sparkling pool, perfectly fit for your sun-dried hot dog legs and pale, bald dome. And if you're extraordinarily lucky, two gay goblins may be relaxing poolside on chaise lounges, shoving homemade cookies into their maws and spitting hot-podcast-fire into microphones as the sun bakes their chalky flesh. Welcome to the Trixie Motel, where you can check-in, and you can also check-out. By 11am. Because we need to rid the damn room of your malodorous stench, you filthy animal.
Next to the shimmering turquoise waters of the Côte d'Azur, on the picturesque beaches of Saint-Tropez, sits the Shack D'Amour: a delectable, debaucherous nightclub teeming with music-loving crustaceans, boys in bikinis, and girls on surfboards. Come for the baked potatoes and tanning butter, stay for the non-stop fruggin'.
On the brutal, kill-or-be-killed plains of the Serengeti, power is determined by sheer brute strength. It is measured by the breadth of one's chest, the size of one's claws, and the length of one's incisors. But in the stiflingly hot concrete jungle of Los Angeles, power is determined by the ability to sit down in very comfortable chairs, hold microphones, and talk about life's daily minutiae for approximately 45 to 60 minutes while glorious air conditioning washes over you like a cool salve for all that ails you. In this shockingly fearsome podcast arena, none are more dangerous than the world's most famously bald, gay ghouls: Trixie and Katya! Today's auditory ejaculation is our 100th episode, so bow down and worship at the altar of our auricular magnificence, you fools!
Open now in beautiful West Hollywood, CA, it's The Brians' Breakfast Shack! It's like the Love Shack, but with less sex and more superfluous orange blossom plate garnishes! The Brians' Breakfast Shack Menu includes all your favorite hearty, wholesome breakfast foods! Featuring items as varied as our Flying Firkus Pancake Platter to our Egg McCooken Sun-Dried-Chicken Legs Breakfast Sandwich to our world-famous Griddled Brian Toast™, which Oprah's Book Club referred to as, "A honey-cinnamon-tinged parking-structure orgy for your taste buds!" At The Brians' Breakfast Shack, you'll find everything you love, except for unionized waitstaff! Order now on the McFirken App, available on all BlackBerry devices! *
From the windy city famous for its decadent Deep-Dish Pizza, dill pickle-laden Chicago Dogs, and the local spirit Malort (which can best be described as "What would happen if a pungent overripe fruit had a drunken threesome with a can of gasoline and a pile of herbs,") comes over eighty minutes of auricular ecstasy sure to satisfy even your biggest hunger pangs for both Chicago and the two fabulous drag divas who bravely and boldly sat in comfy chairs and spoke into microphones for a bit over an hour. Enjoy!
This episode of Bald is proudly brought to you by the National Bathroom Sex Toy Safety Council, reminding you to always follow the three W's before your wet 'n wild adventures: "Wash, Warm-Up, & WERK." As winter stretches its legs for one last sprint before Spring arrives, we'd like to remind our listeners to follow the most important rules of the Bathroom Dildo Doctrine: 1) Always test the suction of the dildo on your shower wall prior to use, in order to properly gauge the strength of the suction in the face of strong shearing forces. 2) Measure the circumference of the dildo to ensure a smooth entry and exit, thereby guaranteeing a pleasurable experience for all participating parties. 3) To avoid being impaled by the dildo in what can only be described as "the bad type of hurt," make sure the shower floor is covered in a non-slip surface for maximum safety. This public service announcement has been brought to you by the editorial staff of BALD, LLC, as well as the fine folks at the
Did you know that the average male lasts between 5 and 7 minutes when engaging in "fun-time" between the sheets? While this is more than acceptable for that post-Succession Sunday night quickie before the work-week starts, 5 to 7 minutes during a Saturday night carnal marathon of erotic delights is not just pitiful, it's fixable! All because of Trimix! With just three tiny injections of synergistic drugs directly into your little wiener schnitzel, your flaccid firehose will magically transform into the Hammer of Thor! For hours upon hours of fun in the bedroom, kitchen, and beyond, shoot some Trimix into your gherkin and you'll be whipping that thing around like Indiana Bones and the Last Crusade in no time!*
When you're alone and life is making you lonely, you can always go to the Dock. When you've got that warm feeling and all the noise and the hurry seems to help, you can go to the Dock. Just listen to the music of the traffic in the city, linger on the sand where everyone is pretty. How can you lose? The lights are not brighter there so you can forget all your troubles, forget all your cares, and go to the Dock. Things will be great, there's no finer place, everything's waiting for you at the Dock.
As you might imagine, ridding your bottom of pesky hair follicles is not just a laborious task, but can also require extensive acrobatics and a bit of body contortion. We here at Bald, LLC recommend a multi-mirror system to achieve full visibility upon spreading your cheeks. Additionally, we also advocate for the use of a teammate if possible, because as with most things, the more hands involved in this process the better. Once you have achieved excellent sight-lines, apply a moisturizing gel or foam, grab a very sharp razor, and start from the inside out. Begin on the left and right sides, followed by the front and back, and then proceed along the skin lines as you use extra caution when close to the holy of unholies. Once done, rinse your undercarriage with warm water, thoroughly apply a moisturizer to prevent razor burn, and then head out to the club with the extreme self-confidence that only a freshly-shorn bottom can bring. Godspeed, friends.
As darkness falls across the land, the midnight hour is close at hand. Creatures squirm and snore in bed, while something lurks that is certainly dead. As it stands in the doorway rotting in its shell, sporting facial hair that could only originate in hell. A grizzled ghoul has escaped from its tomb, lingering in their bedroom to seal their doom. It is Trixie Mattel who is cursed with the shine, but have no fear, this goatee'd phantom is fortunately benign.
It's that time of year, you horse & buggy-riding, butter-churning, hat-and-bonnet-wearing queens! Put away your Froschauer bible, take off your mutza, and ignore every rule you've ever learned from the Ordnung! It's Rumspringa time, bitches! A time to drink copious amounts of Mad Dog 20/20 Orange Jubilee, dance the night away to the devil's deep house beats, and ingest every recreational drug known to humankind! IT'S RUMSPRINGA!!!!!!
It's Drag Race All Stars Season 8 tea time! In preparation for the May 12th premiere, Trixie and Katya wax poetic about all the contestant's looks, chat about past seasons, and then prognosticate about everyone's chances for what is sure to be an absolutely amazing season. Sit down, make yourself a fancy-ass cocktail, and let's talk about All Stars Season 8!
For a brief, shining moment in the early aughts, every romantic comedy had a female protagonist with an exceedingly gay best friend that existed to do exactly three things: 1) Help the protagonist make wild wardrobe choices 2) Critique shoddy makeup applications while simultaneously fat-shaming the protagonist 3) Be excessively grossed out by vaginas and constantly talk about penises.
We have the technology. We can make her better than she was. Better, stronger, faster.
The sky is a fiery auburn red as the sun sets over a bustling Taco Bell on La Cienega Blvd. Harried Angelenos make the nightmarish commute home as offices close and street lights turn on. Through a decal clinging to a Taco Bell window advertising the return of the Mexican Pizza, we see three lonely souls sitting in a booth, silently munching upon tacos and burritos filled with beans, beef, and shattered dreams. It is a Springtime weekend in the city of angels, a town where the sight of a drag queen, the host of Access Hollywood, and a washed-up football star in a Taco Bell barely raises an eyebrow of passers by.
The kids are finally in bed, the dishes have been washed, the clothes have been folded, and the dog has been walked. It's finally time to pour yourself a nice glass of chilled sparkling rosé, open up TikTok, and settle into that comfy little nook on the sofa to be magically whisked away to a world of Costco fights, misbehaving Karens, and dash-cam car crashes. Enjoy yourself, girl. You've earned it.
It's that special time of the year, so unfurl your flag, secure your sex swing to a weight-bearing ceiling stud, and prepare your vocal cords to sing the absolute hell out of the body electric. It's Pride, bitches! From all of us here at the underground desert Bald bunker, we wish you and yours the hap-hap-happiest of Prides.
We are so excited for you to shop our Trixie and Katya Curated Collections on Etsy!
As part of Pride, we'd like to remind everyone about the 4 P's for bottoming: Practice, Preparation, Protect, and Pray: Practice on weeknights, at lunchtime, or even during your commute. Prepare by using an enormous amount of lube from that economy size bucket you purchased for the April 2020 orgy that never happened. Protect by always wearing a prophylactic, even if it's one that was thrown at you during a Pride parade. And lastly, pray to the pagan god of bottoming Assilopochtli, for they will ensure that you have a wonderful experience filled with joy and jubilation.
One day, in a not-so-distant future hellscape utterly ravaged by water wars and interstate battles over depleted natural resources, there will come a time when a person's sexual preference is so low on the list of things to care about that we will all be queer.
While it's a scientifically-proven fact that humans require food, water, air, and shelter to survive, it is not yet widely known that straight men also require eggnog post-coitus in order to continue existing in this wild world of ours. So this summer, please don't bring a six-pack of beer to your neighbor's barbecue. Instead, tell him that you value his post-intercourse survival and bring him several cartons of refreshing, summery eggnog. His life may just depend upon it.
The midnight hour is close at hand. A lonely ghoul looks out across the land. It's the typical scene with the usual suspects. Frightening creatures roaming around in search of sex. Tonight, it's a veritable smorgasbord of glorious smut. Don't delay, as it's time to prepare and place that bejeweled item directly in your butt.
Please consult your doctor before listening to this podcast. Common side effects of The Bald and the Beautiful include nausea, stomach pain, diarrhea, vomiting, superfluous third nipples, increased viewings of Ken Burns documentaries, compulsive tax preparation, and a deep yearning for golden showers.
Dynamic microphones are constructed with small magnets that oscillate inside a metal coil attached to the diaphragm. When a sound wave causes the diaphragm of the microphone to vibrate, the relative motion of the magnet and coil creates an electrical signal by magnetic induction. From this magical, fantastical process, we arrive at the auditory eargasm that is The Bald and the Beautiful. Need we say more? We need not.
In this corner, wearing pink, weighing in at a stunning 62 lbs, the reigning BYOB World Featherweight Cosmetics Mogul Champion, the undefeated Skinny Legend, TRIXIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And in this corner, wearing faded Soviet Bloc vermilion, weighing in at a staggering 278 lbs, the EWWW Eastern Massachusetts Participant Trophy Winner, the "mostly" defeated 2009 Cillian Murphy Lookalike Contest 4th Runner-Up, the Slavic Siren, KATYA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You and a companion will enjoy an opulent round-trip coach flight to sunny Los Angeles, featuring spacious seating and a delectable in-flight dining experience from Spirit Airlines! Once you arrive in Tinseltown, you'll stay 3 nights and 4 days in a mildly haunted bungalow at the world-infamous Shateau Marmont, the slightly odorous sister hotel to the Chateau Marmont. Located in an industrial area bordering Van Nuys and North Hollywood, you'll awake every morning to water-stained popcorn ceilings, a complimentary continental breakfast of yogurt and stale homefries, resort-style amenities like an ice-maker and a mostly-empty Zagnut vending machine, and occasional midnight visits from mildly-malignant ghosts like Humphrey Bogart, Jayne Mansfield, and John Belushi! Taxes and baggage-check fees may apply.
As you slowly open your eyes to face yet another day in this wild, godforsaken world of ours, please remember to take good care of the 7 disks of spinning energy that reside within your spine. Whether it's the Crown, Third Eye, Throat, Heart, Solar Plexus, Sacral, or Root, your chakra can help you stay open, aligned, and most importantly: #GRATEFUL. Yes, Deborah...this Bald & Beautiful message of peace, chai, and love even includes you.
Katya welcomes the ever-so-engaging Courtney Act to the pod for part 1 of a lengthy conversation about the beauty of braces, the positivity of pool-dancing, and the innate silliness of the gender binary.
If you've been waiting with bated breath for Part 2 of the epically excellent interview with Australia's best export Courtney Act, you can finally breathe again. Here is part 2 of their fabulous conversation about the evolving definition of femininity, the marvels of meditation, and the exorbitant number of downsides of widespread child literacy.
Hi Scott. Thanks so much for coming into the office today. Would you mind sitting down? Great. It's rather hot in here, don't you think, Scott? That shirt you're wearing looks awfully thick and warm. Wouldn't you be more comfortable if you took it off? Perfect. Now isn't that better, Scott? Come to think of it, we're a bit warm, too. Shall we all take our shirts off, Scott? Yes? Excellent.
Welcome to southern California's best-kept gay amusement park secret, Bald Mountain. Please keep your hands, arms, legs, and other anatomical protrusions inside the ride at all times. Keep your safety harness tightly fastened, and please remember that severely unflattering flash photography is strictly forbidden. Lastly, please remember that when you signed that legal waiver upon entry to the park, you've released us of all liability in the event of your grisly and untimely death. Enjoy the ride.
Comedian, writer, actor, and host of the podcast Just Sayin', Justin Martindale, joins Trixie for an extraordinarily engaging chat about the perils of covid car comedy, serving Kim Kardashian a valley latte, and preventing a significant portion of West Hollywood from falling deeply in love in a steam room.
Everyone's favorite human Brittany Broski joins Trixie for a heart-to-heart about irrational fears of yetis, the natural beauty of Marty Feldman, and in-depth reviews of every roller coaster in Southern California.
As the great 19th century poet Silas T. Shinckenpoople once said, "To love is nothing. To be loved is something. But to both love and be loved? That is everything. Actually. May you please excuse me for a moment? Matilda! My weekly package at the apothecary is ready for you to pick up! If I don't administer our morphine suppositories by 5pm, you won't be ready for your 9pm Laudanum tincture in your mint julep! And if you miss both, my dear, your female hysteria may return and our passionate love for each other may fade when the fits are upon you! Matilda! Matilda!"
If you count yourself amongst the lucky few who have attended a live theater performance, you fully understand that tingly feeling you get inside as the lights dim and the curtain goes up. That beautiful moment of silent anticipation before the actors appear onstage and the performance begins. Live theatre is spellbinding. Live theatre is pure magic. But most of all, live theatre is the perfect place to do hand and boob stuff on a first date.
This single-origin, unapologetically bold (and bald) podcast goes down smooth with white chocolate undertones and lusciously complex flavors. Brimming with a rich, full piquant finish, your morning routine will be the perfect start to a dark journey through the wonderland that is Trixie and Katya's grey matter. Pairs beautifully with morning wood, your derrière, and a thick, milky bowl of steel-cut oats drenched in honey from the island of Dr. Moreau.
We here at BALD, LLC would like to extend our deepest sympathies for the pitiful state of your pelvic floor. Just as maintenance of our sphincters is always in the front of our minds, so too should be the functional, sensual, and magical properties of your downstairs foof. As such, we wholeheartedly endorse the regular application of our signature pink yoni eggs for the health, wealth, and overall state of your being.
As we reach the zenith of Spooky Season tonight, we must keep you apprised of a new horror recently birthed unto the world. It is an abomination so anathema to all that is good and pure in the world, that we suggest you lock your doors, turn out the lights, and hide under the covers this Hallow's Eve. Beware, for there is nothing more frightening, more hair-raising, or more utterly nightmarish than that of a TikTok Carrot Hot Dog. Oh, the humanity...
If you're into listening to German Vaporwave while crying about the mean things Brad said in a note to your best friend Allison in Biology class as you sit in the backseat of your Aunt Marilyn's 1992 Buick LeSabre on the way to the dental hygienist who vaguely resembles Bea Arthur, all the while thinking about that really good pizza bagel you had for lunch as a piece of pepperoni becomes dislodged from your braces, then this week's episode is 100% for you. Enjoy.
What better time of year to entertain your friends and throw a mesmerizing Fall fête than the week after we turn back those George Nelson Mid-century Modern clocks! Welcome your guests with an eye-catching and sphincter-tensing tablescape of such vibrant autumnal colors that they stop, gag, and immediately make plans to burn that oh-so-boring-2022 gourd centerpiece that's been adorning their dining room table since All Hallow's Eve. This Fall, bring out those jade chargers that perfectly match your hand-blown Italian Murano wine glasses and tell the whole wide world that your vintage 1967 table runner costs more than their children's college education!
Comedian, actress, host, Emmy Award-winner, and absolute fu**ing legend Kathy Griffin stops by the Bald studio to chat with Trixie about My Life on the D-List, a certain infamous picture from 2017, and her wildly-anticipated return to touring with 2024's My Life on the PTSD-List stand-up tour!
From the land of jazz, gumbo, public drunkenness, and second lines at Delta's baggage claim, Trixie and Katya bring you an auditory experience of such unabashedly sultry sexiness and salacious prurience that your ears will climax long before you do.
As part of our ongoing Public Service Announcement Series here at Bald, LLC, this week we'd like to focus on proper perineal care. If you didn't already know, managing the cleanliness of your bottom is a vital part of everyone's daily hygiene regimen. As one posterior hygienist told us during a recent cleaning, you should recite the following several times a day to the beat of your favorite 90's hip-hop song: Always Wipe Front to Back, Wet Wipes are a Perfect Hack, Cotton Breathes For Your Sack, Trim and Neat is All That!
As the holiday season rapidly ascends to the apex of yuletide cheer, you may find yourself experiencing a warm, tingly sensation deep within your abdomen. It's a condition known as "Merry Malady" and it affects .000001 % of the population. Side effects include dry mouth, erotic internet searches containing the phrase "Candy Cane," consumption of Trimix-spiked eggnog, and unexpected dating propositions in local big-box retail stores. Nine out of ten doctors agree that taking 70mg daily of Noëlvy will lessen the likelihood of experiencing E-E-S (embarrassing erectile syndrome) when overcome with holiday cheer. For this holiday and every holiday, take Noëlvy and avoid a rigidity disaster.
As the days grow shorter and the nights longer, may all of us in the Northern Hemisphere prepare ourselves for December 21st. It is the day we commemorate the Winter Solstice and honor the darkest night of the year. Please pause what you're doing, bow your head, and honor the shadows by journeying deep within to reflect, restore and nourish your spiritual cores. Though a rose is beautiful when in full bloom, lest we forget that its shriveled death is but a few days away. Like the evergreens we bring inside each December to decorate with lights and tinsel, let those green harbingers of the holidays remind us that death is necessary in order to be reborn into the ocean of cosmic energy that surrounds each and every one of us. Also? Happy Fu**ing Holidays.
There are no endings, Baldies. Just events that precede a new beginning. As we rapidly approach the conclusion of 2023, let us close our cold, darkened hearts to the old and open them to the new. We all get the same 365 days in the new year; the difference, you magnificent bastards, is what you do with them. From all of us here at the underwater volcano headquarters of Bald, LLC, we wish you and yours a Happy Holiday and a Gloriously Gaggy New Year.
Is this an extra-special quasi-Holiday/New-Year's episode where Trixie and Katya talk about decorating a tree? Perhaps. Is this an episode where they confront a deep, yearning desire for a miniature ceramic holiday village? Maybe. Is this an episode where Trixie and Katya wish you and yours a wonderful holiday and a prolifically-prosperous new year? You better fu**ing believe it. From all of us here at the show, here's to a 2024 filled with nothing but 365 days of pure, unadulterated joy and jubilation.
As the world prepares for the beauty, grace, and raw athleticism of the 2024 Summer Olympics in Paris, we are so proud to have had the honor of working with talented Los Angeles director, cinematographer, and exotic animal trainer Simone Biles. She has graciously taken a little bit of time off from her life as a Pulitzer Prize-winning playwright and 57-time Academy Award-winning costume designer to help produce this episode of Bald with the unadulterated embodiment of joy that is Bob the Drag Queen. Enjoy.
Hi, Deborah. Thanks so much for taking the time to have a one-on-one with me this morning. I know that 8am Zooms can be logistically difficult, but Sheila from accounting pinged me yesterday, and per our post-mortem with Ted from the regional office, I wanted to stop herding cats and prevent this whole team from becoming a dumpster fire. As it turns out, we've identified multiple pain points in regards to your core competencies, and we simply can't see a clear route to going-to-market with so much low-hanging fruit being under-utilized. If you can't get your team's ducks in a row, we may have to drill down into the quarterly numbers even more, especially if we want to run it up the flagpole to Alexander before EOD. So how about we stop moving the goal posts, whiteboard the heck out of this thing, and address every action item before I have a hard-out at 10am. I really think this deck is going to be a game-changer. Also? Please kill me.
'Twas the night before Christmas, and the house was filled with holly berry stench. Bianca Del Rio was headed to Surrey, to have dinner with Dame Judi Dench. The car service was booked, excitement hung in the air, but little did she know, a tiny airborne virus was also there. As the Covid test came back positive, and she had to cancel her trip, all she could murmur was, "Well this is some utter bullsh*t."
Please prepare your mind, body, and soul for Trixie's delightful chat with stand-up comedian, actress, makeup mogul, and Daily Show correspondent; the eminently-hilarious Dulcé Sloan! From plane-travel safety tips to in-depth kimchi reviews to African mammal facts, this episode is a once-in-a-lifetime journey through an enchanted forest populated solely by colossal smiles and rapturous glee.
As the morning sunshine warms my bare bottom and my feet feel the cool chill of the kitchen tile, I reach into the freezer. A blast of cold air greets me, turning my nipples so hard I could dial an iPhone. As a shiver pleasantly travels south from my torso to my abdomen to the very tip of my sheathed sword, I saunter to the counter where I insert a blueberry-kissed waffle into the tight, dark, chrome-covered hole of my toaster. A gentle cloud of warmth emanates from the glowing steel rods within, bringing with it an intoxicating aroma of fruit, sugar, and hot, fluffy passion. The shiny appliance transforms into a giver of joy as the Eggo waffle pops up from the darkness, steam rising slowly and beckoning me to grab it and caress it and swallow it whole. I temper my passion for a moment, if only to find the fortitude to instead gently place it on a plate, covering it in slick, wet butter and gooey, sticky-sweet maple syrup. As the cushiony indentations of unadulterated bliss finally tou
Do you love Trixie and Katya with all your heart? Would you like to find a club of other humans who share your affinity for these two remarkable queens? Well now you can! Sign up for the official "The Dolls are the Dolls Fan Club" to join an elite group of fabulous individuals who are super-duper extra special! Exclusive membership benefits include: An official non-laminated "I'm a Doll" Membership Card that could arrive in the mail, or maybe not! An annual newsletter written not by Trixie or Katya, but by someone! A unique email forwarding address: [email protected]. An "I Play with Dolls" bumper sticker for when you take your kids to the local playground! And for a limited time, all "Elite Cadet" members get a lock of Katya's hair! All you have to do is send in a self-addressed, stamped-envelope with seventeen General Mills proof-of-purchases to: Dolls, LLC, PO Box 666, Aurora, CO 99991. Don't be a sad loser for another minute! Join now!
Does our art threaten you? Does it make you completely reconsider your physical existence? Does it make you stop and question the status quo and stop sleepwalking through life like a sheep? Does it make you feel weird and nervous and uncomfortable and unsure if your houseplants want to murder you? Does it set fire to your neat little sphere of influence to the point where you cease knowing what is real and imagined? Good. Sit in that discomfort and let your soul marinate in the chaotic power that is our art. Look at our art and fear us, you prole.
We here at BALD, LLC, including our main counsel Henry Z. Winkleschmiggens IV, Esq., would like to take this opportunity to clear the air regarding the rampant online rumors surrounding Trixie Mattel and Helen Hunt's fictional father in 1996's epic action movie Twister. Is Dr. Jo Harding's father, who was literally sucked into a massive tornado whilst trying to hold a makeshift shelter's door closed in 1969, actually Trixie Mattel's father? If true, that would mean that Trixie is Helen Hunt's fictional sibling, and therefore heir to the Hunt's Ketchup fortune? The answer, devoted listeners of the pod, is "Yes." Trixie is, indeed, Helen Hunt's fictional brother, and therefore privy to all the rights and privileges contained therein.
We are proud to partner this week with the Anti Phone-Shaming League of North America to bring you a very important message: you, dear listeners, are so much more than your phone. Do you have an iPhone X? An iPhone SE? Or even an Android? You're not alone. We are here for you. We want you to know that you are loved, appreciated, and your self-worth is about so much more than that thin piece of glass and aluminum in your pocket. As you lay down tonight in your parents' basement on your tear-stained pillow, we want you to close your eyes and recite the following mantra: "Though I may not have the latest shiny iPhone, a socially-acceptable level of personal hygiene, or even the knowledge of what it's like to be loved; I am good enough, I am smart enough, and gosh darnit people like me."
Welcome to Trixie & Katya's Le Poupée Spa, located in a gorgeously-restored halfway house in the beating heart of urine-soaked Hollywood. Forget your hideous spouse, your under-achieving children, and that rash on your inner thigh that simply won't go away, and let yourself slide into blissful relaxation with a massage that was created by six of Moldova's top massage therapists (including eight-time Eastern European Gluteus Maximus Massage of the Year champion Tatiana Svetlana Svetlaskabagoya). Afterwards, book an experimental liquid alloy surgery facial that isn't FDA-approved, but could be at some point in the future once the mysterious deaths are fully investigated. It's a wildly-invasive facial rejuvenation technique, combining state-of-the-art, semi-legal radio-wave technology with medical ingredients shipped in daily from Bulgaria. It drastically transforms skin via small doses of radiation and a thick layer of the same green slime that gave the teenage mutant ninja turtles their
When a Paramus, New Jersey Van Heusen factory outlet is taken over by a vicious gang of black-market avocado dealers from British Columbia, it's up to a mild-mannered security guard to stand up to the criminals and save those business-casual khakis! This Summer, robbing a boomer sportswear company isn't going to be as easy as shooting fish in a barrel. It's Paul Blart: Mall Carp to the rescue!
In a world where fashion knows no boundaries, comes a story of self-discovery, unexpected transformations, and erotic culinary adventures. When Jack Huntley is about to lose his old-school diner to a landlord who wants a fancy new restaurant led by a celebrity female chef, he decides to take things into his own hands and become that female chef. With a blonde bouffant wig, 6-inch stilettos, and eyelashes as long as the Florida panhandle, Jack transforms into Jacqueline, the hottest chef in the tri-state area. But when Jack's best friend and sous-chef Randy falls in love with Jacqueline, it makes for a romance best served muy caliente! It's a story that proves once and for all that being true to yourself knows no gender. From the director of Sundance darling "Boyz Don't Eat Piez", comes a movie that breaks all the rules and celebrates the power of friendship, acceptance, and food-based kinks. This summer, experience a true gender-bender of a film. Don't miss "Heels & Meals". Coming soon
Behold, everyone's favorite Drag Race Season 16 faux-villain: Plane Jane! With her shared Boston roots and actual Russian ancestry, she is essentially the little sister of Katya everyone loves to faux-hate. From hot takes on Dune 2 to an affinity for Eastern European glam-pop, get ready for a Bald interview filled with tense smiles, deliciously-awkward pauses, and eventually a genuinely heart-warming bonding experience that will leave you with a restored faith in humanity.
Recorded live in the famed "Give Me Liberty or Give Me Death" capital city of Virginia, please join us for a cordial evening of spirited conversation about art, politics, and culture. After the dessert course, we shall retire to the parlour for a snifter of cognac and a lively debate about the finer points of testicular-grooming, Timothée Chalamet's bird-like features, and wired nipples.
This week on Little Bald on the Prairie, tune in for a very special episode that the whole family will enjoy. When lying-ass Nellie falls from Laura Ingalls' beloved horse Bunny, that little potato-faced humpty b*tch fakes paralysis rather than simply admit that she's profoundly bad at riding a horse. When Bunny is scheduled to be destroyed at the local glue factory, little Laura Ingalls assumes the hero's mantle and shoves Nellie's wheelchair down a friggin' mountain! In the end, Laura shows the entire world that Nellie sits on a wheelchair constructed entirely of lies. The moral of the story? Prairie b*tches be crazy.
From ancient Indian yogic texts to brittle Chinese scrolls to the age of Egyptian Pharaohs when gods walked amongst us, Urine Therapy has been the secret, golden-hued cure for ailments both minor and severe. The miraculous results of Urophagia are almost too numerous to count. Whether you're drinking it, massaging it on your skin and gums, or completely submersing yourself in the sweet, golden waters of Urinaville, we at Bald, LLC are here to answer all your questions about the biggest, most earth-shattering development in medical research ever. #DrinkYourSpiggot #GoldenHealth #FreshHotCupOfHerbalPee *The content of this episode and its accompanying description are not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, treatment, or even common sense. Always consult with a qualified and licensed physician or other medical care provider, and follow their advice, as they are sure to tell you that you should NOT, under any circumstances, drink your own pee.
Prepare yourselves to be regaled by tales of the magical, the mysterious, and most of all the memorable, as we welcome to the pod the Queen of Commerce, the Princess of Payments, the Baroness of Bankrolls, the Countess of Capital, the Duchess of Debt, the one, the only...(She is the MOMENT): Monét X Change!
Like a phoenix rising from the ashes of Sandy's ghost that was left in a frigid backstage green room on the Trixie and Katya Live tour, the exquisitely gorgeous, explosively hilarious, and effortlessly charming icon of stage and screen Kelly Mantle explodes into the studio like a jubilant grenade, spewing merriment into the faces of every human in the room. Close your shades, dim the lights, pour a pint of your favorite box wine, and slide into those special-occasion satin underwear for more than an hour of unfiltered elation with the one, the only: Kelly motherf**king Mantle.
As part of our annual Pre-Pride Kink Safety Awareness Month, we'd like to offer you this episode featuring the iconic multi-hyphenate and eminent enfant terrible, Tammie Brown! The hour of magical audio and video you are about to consume shall serve as a helpful resource for safely integrating a shampoo bottle into your regular sex-tool-rotation. It's important to remember that while incorporating everyday objects into one's erotic endeavors, safety and preparation should be your guiding factors to ensure a positive experience for all parties involved. A helpful brochure about shampoo bottle butt play can be easily downloaded at SafeShampooSodomy4Ever.org for a one-time fee of $999.99 plus shipping & handling. Full-page illustrations have been provided by ex-Hanna-Barbera animators, and an AI hotline is available should any problems arise during your soapy escapades. As all of us here at Bald, LLC prepare for 2024 Pride,...
Harnessing the quaint, country elements of middle America but with a contemporary spin, "Modern Farmhouse Decor" blends clean lines, muted color palettes, and textured materials to give birth to a timeless look bursting with both joie de vivre and sliding barn doors that offer absolutely no privacy or sound-dampening whatsoever. Whether you and your flatulent husband Gary are in search of a light, bright farmhouse kitchen or a warm, cozy great plains-inspired living room, the modern farmhouse style strikes the perfect balance between the clean lines of an apocalyptic future and the borderline starvation of the 1932 Dust Bowl. All with the added bonus of sharing Gary's irritable bowel syndrome with guests and family during the holidays. On this very special interior decoration episode of Bald, your personal designers Trixie and Katya will teach you how to share not just your love of the rural American farmhouse style, but also every wet sound and putrid odor from Gary's frequent...
Are you the patient zero who caused the epidemic of fierceness? Is your self-confidence and mettle, like chlamydia, insanely contagious and as deadly as your icy-blue determination? When people are in dire need of inner-affirmations, do you transform like Superman into the magical Courage Guru? Do you eat a steaming bowl of tenacity every morning and poop out self-doubt before leaving your home and exposing the world to your Chernobyl-like radiation of fearlessness? Are you the living embodiment of all that is c*nty? Damn right you are, you fabulous f**king b*tch.
It was a steamy mid-August night outside of Bismarck, North Dakota. My cherry-red 1987 Yugo got a flat on Route 94 and I had to hoof it through the darkness to a truckstop. It was the kind of place that was stuck in time, like your Uncle's wood-paneled fishing cabin in Minnesota. After a quick meal of a lifeless burger on a soggy bun and even soggier fries, I made my way to the parking lot to see if I could hitch a ride to a local garage. While wandering the rows of trucks that sat beneath the parking lot lights like mighty sentinels at rest, I stumbled upon a bearded trucker listening to Hank Williams on his CB radio. Our eyes met, and he waved me over to his rig. Sitting high above me like a hairy demi-god behind his chrome steering wheel, his eyes just barely peeping out from beneath his Pennzoil baseball cap, he pointed to the back of his cab. Without exchanging a single word, we engaged in hours upon hours of amorous congress, our bodies slick with the moisture from the summer...
According to a 2023 Rand Corporation study, 88% of romantic partners have searched for adult videos online or fantasized at night about hot, hunky men with bigger, thicker, more luxurious penises. Has your partner lied awake at night wishing that your pork sword was unbelievably massive? Do you find yourself lacking self-confidence because of that frightened little turtle between your legs? If so, we here at Bald Supplements, Inc. have absolutely wonderful news for you. Introducing: Fena Barbitall's AnacondaXXL*, the penile enhancement supplement of the future! For just $99 per day and $187.99 shipping and handling, you can walk this earth with the confidence and power that only a yogurt pistol of extraordinary length and girth can offer. Call 1-700-BIG-MEAT now and become the flesh baguette wrangler that you've always known yourself to be. *side effects may include: erections that last up to 472 hours, a rare infection of the perineum that can only be cured with a topical...
As the days get longer and the jean shorts shorter, images come to mind of lazy, breezy days on the beach with merlot in a can and a juicy paperback that you simply can't put down. Within this very special episode of Bald with the inimitable Sarah Schauer, resides a collection of literary gold for all manner of readers from young to old and everywhere in between. Running the gamut from erotic worms to Mama Cass to non-fiction to other-worldly fantasy, there is something here to fill every literary need and deliciously erudite desire you may have.
This week on KBLD's Schlock & Beautiful Masterpiece Theater, we bring you the preeminent 1973 sexploitation film, "Queen of the Amazons" starring the one, the only, Naomi Smalls! In the far-away island Hermythia off the coast of Papua New Guinea, there lives a tribe of Amazons who are the epitome of primal power, sexual desire, and goddess-like grace. For centuries, men were kept by these Amazons as sex slaves, used solely for breeding purposes and menial labor. Now, as a cruel band of bloodthirsty female warriors from a nearby island pillage and loot the Hermythian countryside, the oppressed males decide to join the Amazons and fight back! Come for the death, sex, and gratuitous nudity, stay for the occasional hot warrior orgy. Rated NC-17 for long, silky-smooth legs.
As we gather together this week to celebrate America's 248th birthday on rooftops, in backyards, and on sandy beaches, let us indulge ourselves with highly processed, nitrate-filled beef rods, sun-baked mayonnaise-soaked potato salad, and luke-warm hard seltzers. In the true spirit of our nation's independence, we are presenting a carefully curated collection of clips that cover the broad spectrum of important topics we routinely cover on the pod. From rimjobs to fisting to combination rim-fist-jobs, let us all pause for a moment of silence and pray to a heathen god of your choice that the majority of us will make it through the coming firework-laden holiday weekend with the same number of fingers, hands, and appendages that we have today. From all of us here at the Bald Headquarters in an abandoned missile silo outside Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin, we wish you and yours the Hap Hap Happiest 4th of July ever!
In the grand pantheon of lusciously loud cackles, there exists two gorgeous human specimens for whom the rules of physics do not even remotely apply. These two auditory angels, known colloquially as Drew Afualo and Trixie Mattel, fly right up to the sonic barrier, spit in its face, and emit laughs at such an octave that only the gods atop Mount Olympus can hear without permanent hearing loss. So close your windows, crank your speakers up to 11, and prepare yourselves for a blisteringly beautiful barrage of chuckles, chortles, and guffaws the likes of which mere mortals have never experienced. To order Drew's new book, Loud, head to: https://drew-afualo.com
Feeling down? Need an escape from the grind? Just committed a crime and need to lay low? Captain Sasha Colby and the crew on The Bald & the Beautiful's new cruise ship, "Gettin' Nauti", will whisk you away to melt into the pastel-hued villages that dot the rocky shoreline of Italy's picturesque Amalfi Coast! Like a painter’s palette providing a resplendent contrast to the undulating sea of cobalt blue and the verdant mountains that rise up amongst the mist, join us for a clothing-optional frolic amongst the fragrant lemon groves decorating the dramatic cliffs! As the sun sets and you slowly remove your clothing for an alfresco dinner in the nude, inhale the refreshing scent of the Mediterranean Sea, devour a tender Steak Diane, and finish it all off with an invigorating nightcap next to the glistening waves as you slowly sip a glass of the region’s famous limoncello and a black coffee. Al Di La! Mama Mia!! Molto Bene!!!
As we approach the peak summertime Bob-B-Que months (zing), we'd like to share Bob the Drag Queen's 8 tips for a successful chicken wing soiree, which will ensure that your fowl party is anything but foul: 1) Send your dinner party invitations by Pony Express or personal messenger at least 10 days in advance. Include a cooked goose or snuff box for extra enticement. 2) Select an appropriate color scheme and harmonize everything on the table within that palette. If an invited guest passes from consumption before the engagement, consider black, brown, or dark grey as a sign of respect for the deceased. 3) Never, and we do mean NEVER, starch your napkins. You will be swiftly rejected from polite society and burn in hell for eternity if you do. 4) Ideal floral centerpieces include roses, lilies, carnations, ferns and smilax. If you are planning a post-dinner orgy, consider using roses in your bouquet and scatter a few extra petals artistically around the table and on the floor...
Do you goon on BookTok? Are you rizzing after peeping a gyatt at Taco Junk while reading Colleen Hoover? Do you spend your Saturdays being chalant while flicker gooning and running duos with the GOAT? If you didn't reply to those questions with, "I'm doing W, honestly. On skib," then you are in desperate need of "Trixie and Katya's Guide to Hawk-Tuah'ing One's Drake." For just $99 plus shipping and handling, you will never feel L again, and finally be the glizzy-glazing Sigma you always knew yourself to be. Call 1-900-Skibidi-Rizz now to order your copy.
It's August! As the oppressive humidity sets in and the mosquito bites multiply exponentially, why not shove little Billy and Jessica in the backseat of the 'ol family station wagon and head to Orange County to experience the magical enchantment of the happiest place on Earth! Pay gobs of your hard-earned cash for for the privilege of dodging strollers and participating in the crass commercialism of late-stage capitalism, all to the calming soundtrack of babies crying and children screaming! And if you need a moment of escape from this cacophony of soul-crushing materialism? Be prepared to fork over $27 for a watered-down sangria sucked through a paper straw that is mere seconds away from losing all structural integrity. Our advice from the vacation experts here at BALD Vacations, LLC is to dispense with the straw and the cup, find a quiet dark corner behind a churro stand, and boof sangria after sangria until the only thing you can feel is the sweet freedom of complete and utter emoti
Please join us in our deserted power station under the 110 overpass as we welcome legendary actress, comedian, author, and animation megastar: the inimitable Kristen Schaal! Ignore the lack of bathrooms and that low hum as we steal electricity from the rusty lamppost on the corner, and simply enjoy the effervescent conversation about creative head holes, public poo etiquette, historical colon blockages, and harlot makeup trends. As a favor to us, please don't walk to your car alone after the interview. Most of this block is haunted by the spiteful ghost of William Mulholland.
If you happen to find yourself in the unenviable position where your planet is being attacked by hot hail from a mustache-twirling space despot named Ming the Merciless, Ts Madison thinks it's best to grab a sexy travel agent with amazing bangs, a football star from the New York Jets, and ride a rocket cycle to the planet Mongo where you enlist the help of a friendly race of Hawkmen to destroy Ming, bed his hot daughter, and have an interstellar orgy with a slew of bore worms. As one does.
It's almost Labor Day Weekend and I know what you're thinking to yourself: I need a sun-soaked, sand-covered gay resort town and I need it RIGHT NOW. Well, you're in luck. Scarlet Envy would like you to know that if you've never been to Fire Island, getting there is half the fun. What you're gonna want to do is take the Long Island Rail Road to Sayville, then a shuttle bus to a 30-minute ferry ride, and then you're going to have to walk that perky little ass because there are no cars on the island; just wooden boardwalks and shirtless hunks pulling little red wagons full of groceries, poppers, and lube. And while you're visiting, don't miss the small strip of forest lovingly known as the "Meat Rack". While there is no barbeque served at the Meat Rack, sausage is most assuredly on the menu. Happy Summering!
This Fall, buck the hackneyed trends that ooze like a puss-filled pimple from the runways of Milan and Paris. Instead, embrace the effortless style that comes from the classic down-under fashion of the extraordinarily ebullient and embarrassingly eloquent Courtney Act. Whether you're channeling your inner Crocodile Dundee or the cowboy sleaze of John Wayne's 40 lbs of impacted colon feces, look no further for your comprehensive Fall Fashion Guide! From Miss Act's sparkly rhinestone Dr. Martens to her signature "Coochie-Cut" bugle crystal jorts, your neighbors will be peaking through their blinds to goon at the unadulterated gorgeousness on display. To accent your genetically-perfect complexion and perfectly-coiffed hair, finish the outfit with a genre-defying sequined denim Jacket and blindingly-neon-yellow tube-top that subtly hints at the existence of the perky little nipples that lie beneath. If you can walk down the street wearing this outfit without being instantly booked...
t's 1am as you stare at the crack in the ceiling. The wind rustles through the oak tree outside as you hear Jim next door drag his garbage can down the driveway. Pam's staying at her sister's because of her divorce, the kids get up at 6, and Katherine demanded chocolate chip pancakes with whipped cream and sprinkles. You have to catch the train at 7, and on top of that the big meeting is at 9am sharp and the Jenkins file isn't even done yet! How are you supposed to fall asleep when making your way in the world today takes everything you've got? The answer? Jinkx Monsoon's patented 4-step program: "Takin' a Break From All Your Worries Sure Would Help A Lot." In just four easy steps, your mind will be whisper quiet and you'll be counting sheep in no time. Step 1: turn on your television set. Step 2: Find your local programming guide to locate syndicated airings of Cheers. Step 3: Watch Sam, Diane, Coach, Norm, Cliff, Carla, Woody, Frasier, Lillith, & Rebecca...
This week, the Loch Ness Monster of drag herself, Raja, visits the studio to discuss love, yoga, and wistful nostalgia for physical media porn. Many questions are posed and even fewer are answered. Does Raja exist? Do you exist? Is free will available to humanity in our desperate search for some semblance of personal and/or societal development? Or is it all an illusion, a minute portion of the complex ruse through which we spend every waking moment of our lives? I ask you this one question: does anyone really, truly exist? Probably not. But put that crisis aside for a moment and listen to this episode, because it's charming and entertaining and it will make you forget about the ceaseless march towards your inevitable demise for about an hour, and that's something.
MEN SEEKING MERMAID/MERMAN (Pacific Ocean Adjacent): Here for a naughty-cal time with sexy sirens of the sea. We are two fit & fabulous drag queens, one folically-challenged (Katya) and one with a glorious mane (Sapphira), seeking wet and wild night with sensual seafarers turned on by promiscuous pirates. Must have functioning fish genitalia and be DTF with land-dwelling homo sapiens. Tolerance for fish badussy strongly recommended. (ability to speak on land a plus) Please send juicy pics of your driftwood and/or mariana trench to: "buckets_of_seamen@if_the_boat_is_rocking.org"
Step 1: Locate an impossibly gorgeous man in South Boston who's family owns an Italian restaurant. Follow him home and heat extra virgin olive oil in a heavy frying pan over medium heat. Add pancetta and garlic and saute until the pancetta is brown and crisp, and you're hard as a rock, about 8 minutes. Step 2: In a large bowl, whisk together the cream, cheese, yolks, basil, and penis to blend. When ready, proceed to insertion into said gorgeous man. Step 3: Bring a large pot of salted water to a boil over high heat. Add the spaghetti and cook until you finish, about 10 minutes if you think of something awful like your 5th grade teacher Mrs. Shield's thick, lustrous goatee. Once finished, ensure that both you and the spaghetti are fully drained. Step 4: Add the chicken to the pan with the pancetta and stir to combine, as you prepare yourself to receive the gorgeous man inside you. Next, add the spaghetti and the cream mixture and toss over medium-low heat until he creams...
What does it mean if several drug-addled hopheads break down the door of your beautiful three-story New York City townhouse, lick your face whilst whispering sweet nothings in your ear, steal your valuables, and they do it all in the service of their kingpin crime boss: singer, songwriter, actress, & legendary pop icon Madonna? All this and more will be discussed at length in this very special episode of Bald featuring Canada's greatest cultural export since poutine: Jimbo.
Since the debut of The Bald and the Beautiful in October of 2020, Katya Zamolodchikova has tickled your ears with full-throated recommendations of tens of hundreds of films; many of which are great, most of which are not. As we approach the zenith of the Halloween season, be prepared for Joel Kim Booster to be utterly at odds with Katya's positively shining endorsement of Terrifier 3, with Miss Zamolodchikova describing it as what would happen if Ingmar Bergman decapitated Stanley Kubrick while simultaneously stabbing Wong Kar-wai with Jean-Luc Godard's sharpened femur.
It's the 4th day of your all-gay Atlantis Cruise. You just left the Bahamas and the bed of a sexy Nassau scuba instructor. You're tired. You're hungover. Your stomach is full of rum, waffles, and passionfruit-flavored lube. The hot Caribbean sun is baking your pale-ass to a crisp. Do you know what you need? You need to go directly to your cabin, drink a bottle of Pedialyte, and take a 4-hour nap. But do you listen to me? Of course not. What do you do instead? You attend Joel Kim Booster's twenty-minute stand-up set about being a hot gay man having sex with other hot gay men, and heckle the hell out of him whilst spilling a bottomless mimosa all over your brand-new pink floral swim trunks.
After nine guests and eleven episodes' worth of meandering stories about historical colon blockages, mermaid genitalia, and cosmic boreworms, prepare your grey matter for even more meandering stories about dental care imposters, chastity device technology, and acceptable dildo quantities, but this time delivered by the one, the only: Trixie mother-effing Mattel. From all of us here at Bald, LLC, especially Cheryl from Accounts Receivable, we want to say welcome the f*ck back, Trixie.
We come to this podcast…for magic. We come to Bald to chortle, to weep, to soil ourselves, to hear about Demi Moore's commanding yet disgusting performance in The Substance. Because we need that, all of us, that indescribable feeling we get when the theme music begins to fade, Trixie and Katya's angelic voices materialize, and we are transported to an enchanting place we've never been before; like an inane story about exercising with butt plugs or a trip to Costco to buy forty-eight razors and 7lbs of strawberries. Not just entertained, but somehow reborn, together, spewed from the collective birth canal, covered in amniotic fluid and writhing on the floor like a hairless, newborn gargoyle. We come for the sparkling sounds, words of both surprising wisdom and transcendent stupidity, delivered straight to our auricular orifices like Satan's DoorDash. Sounds that you can feel deep within your vulva. Somehow, heartbreak feels good in a place likŠµ this.
Have you ever stared up at the stars, considered the shocking vastness of space, and asked yourself, "Are we alone in the universe?" A recent analysis from the Bald Center for Ludicrosity Studies may have your answer. As the government releases more information about Unidentified Anomalous Phenomena, or UAPs, there seems to be a growing consensus amongst podcast co-hosts that there is an earthly explanation for the UAP/UFO sightings. Dr. Kenneth Zomoldhikova, of the vaunted West Hollywood Institute, has put forward his cryptoterrestrial hypothesis for the UAPs, theorizing that the intelligent beings responsible for these aircraft may be concealed in stealth right here on Earth. That could mean they are walking amongst us and passing as Academy Award-nominated human actors with shockingly gorgeous cheek-bones who look like the product of human-on-pigeon inter-species relations.
Good morning, and welcome to the annual meeting of the National Association for Supporting The Yuck, (N.A.S.T.Y.), where certified uggos from all over Southern California come to the Burbank Holiday Inn Express to embrace our beady eyes, crooked teeth, bulbous noses, and horrible skin. If you got up this morning and thought to yourself, "I don't think I'm a very attractive person," you're 100% correct. But please, as a favor to me, do not dwell on the fact that you're aesthetically deficient. Instead, focus on the indisputable certainty that your beauty is simply inverted; like a perfectly-fried crispy egg roll, your good stuff is all on the inside. In a world where happiness and success can be achieved despite severe genetic impairments, our group's motto has never been more relevant: "Not everyone is hot, and that's okay." If you strive to develop an intellect that can elicit a smile, a laugh, or even a smirk, trust me when I say that there is absolutely nothing as hot...
Author, Film & TV Critic, and all-around Horror Sommelier Gretchen Felker-Martin joins Katya from the wilds of Worcester for an in-depth review of the best horror films of 2024, the must-read horror novels out now, and some absolutely amazing news about Gretchen's blockbuster novel, Manhunt.
As we struggle to recover from the annual ritual of shoving Aunt Grace's bone-dry turkey and lumpy mashed potatoes down our gullets while listening to Uncle Billy yell at the TV about the Chicago Bears' wide-open tight-ends, let us raise a glass of Alka-Seltzer and propose a toast to Joe Hegyes and Andrew Muscarella from the Good Children podcast. Here's to two shockingly likeable childhood friends from Long Island chatting about dropping their pants for views, shooting a low-budget iPhone camera talk-show, and infringing upon Trixie and Katya's copyrighted friendship.
If one were to print out all of Bruce Vilanch's writing, acting, and producing credits on a dot-matrix printer and lay that continuous piece of paper on the ground, it would encircle the world approximately one hundred and eighty seven times. From The Brady Bunch Variety Hour to the famously infamous Star Wars Holiday Special starring Bea Arthur and Harvey Korman to too many awards shows to count, two-time Emmy-Winner Bruce Vilanch is a walking, talking encyclopedia of Hollywood history. Come join us for an exceedingly charming chat with a true living legend.
What happens to a dream deferred? A dream filled with tight outfits, latex boots, and furs? A dream saturated with showmanship, physicality, and wholesome recreation for both him and her? A dream of Bob: "Bob the Professional Wrestler". Does a dream deferred dry up like a raisin in the sun? Or fester like a sore—one that you caught last weekend from that hot Belgian? Does it stink like rotten meat? Or smell like Katya after a long show—like a sweaty, pickled beet? Maybe it just sags and squelches like a heavy load. Or does it, like the pure podcast magic that is Trixie and Bob in the same room for an hour, simply explode?
Don't miss The Hallmarque Channel's newest Christmas classic, "A Very Special Holiday Sausage," premiering Christmas Eve! When the gorgeous neighborhood delivery guy, Lance, turns his attentions to recently-divorced Katya, she brushes it off as mere flattery. But when she sees the look in Lance's eyes as he hands her the bulk delivery of anal lube she orders every Christmas, it's clear he wants to give her more than just a cardboard box. As he turns to leave with a mischievous wink and a smile, the encounter awakens something deep inside her smoldering loins; a desire, a lust, a growing demand for steamy passion delivered express overnight. She closes the door and instantly feels a deep and animalistic need for the juicy holiday sausage hiding within his khakis. Katya's friend Trixie tells her it’s time to "get back on the horse" post-divorce, and what better horse to ride than the tantalizingly sexy Lance? This Christmas, watch Katya learn that delivery drivers truly are experts.