At last, the classic nuclear safety short that put the “fun” in “fundamentally unhelpful advice in the case of a nuclear attack” is available as a riff! Nothing says “atomic death is nigh” like a cartoon turtle named Bert singing a playful song. Did the fallout transform a human man into a musical reptile? If that’s how it works, that’s not so bad, maybe we should embrace the bomb and enjoy our new lives as carefree animated turtles? Alas, these questions go unanswered as the film moves on to focus on real human children and real human adults in real human situations. There’s nothing funny about protecting yourself from a city-incinerating blast with… a folded newspaper on your head. Yeah. That’s pretty much it. That’s the best they could come up with. Good luck, kids! It’s time to crawl under your desk with Mike, Kevin, and Bill, then stick your head between your legs and kiss your Duck and Cover goodbye!