strawberry is in heeaven now. shes g one and = its my ffault.i was so sytupid to think thatyyantyhing full of life and loveand joy could surviv e here. i hate myselff mor e than i hate alan. I hate mysself for having these hatful thoughts but b theyre the only thingg in my head now. why am i so stuudpid? why did dad tell me i was smart when i now KNNOW im not. im an idiot. i lett this happen.